Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Countdown to Supermen Bully Crisis

Today, I continue my quest to decipher the hidden meaning of DC's newest Countdown teaser pic. Ignore what I said yesterday as I was obviously wrong and I'll prove it.

Look at the three Supermen and what do you notice. There's Kingdom Come Superman, Cyborg Superman and Mullet-Head-Back-From-The-Dead Superman and they are the key to understand the coming crisis. Note the look of shame on Cyborg Superman's face, while Mullet Superman gives him a stern talking to. The last time these two met, Mullet Superman totally kicked the crap out of Cyborg Superman, so he obviously has the power in the relationship. Now, Cyborg Superman recently joined the Sinestro Corps and there's no ring on his hand. Maybe he wears it on his left, I don't know, but I do know that Kingdom Come Superman's hand is glowing yellow. Why? Because he stole Cyborg Superman's ring. Him and Mullet Superman. They've turned into bullies, those two. They've decided that the best way to deal with villains from now on isn't to beat them up when they do something wrong, but to randomly terrorise them by pushing them around and stealing their stuff. Look how Mullet Superman is yelling and about to smack Cyborg Superman. Ah, it only looks that way. He's not positioned to smack, but to wrap his arm around Cyborg Superman's neck to put him in a hold and then give him the noogie of a lifetime. All while Kingdom Come Superman watches, admiring his new ring, which he thinks will help him get all sorts of action from the ladies. See, Kingdom Come Superman is all about the bling. That's why he really hated Magog, because Magog was always decked out, head-to-toe in gold and Kingdom Come Superman was totally jealous. That's why Kingdom Come Superman has the gold belt buckle. It is the first piece of bling he owns, now he was the cool yellow ring that almost looks like gold. But, it's better than gold, because it can do all sorts of stuff, like make him look like he's wearing gold head-to-toe. Now, Mullet Superman doesn't care about that stuff, he's just pissed off that he didn't get to stay dead longer. He's like a cranky child who didn't get a good night's sleep. He was dead, what, a few weeks? PFT! Not nearly long enough. So, now he's all cranky and pissed off and he's going to purple every villain's nurple until he feels better about himself. Why is Lex Luthor so sad? Mullet Superman twisted his titties right off, and the blood on his hands is nipple blood. Look at his shirt: NO NIPPLES! He's wearing a skin-tight suit and he has no nipples. And we all know from comic book logic, nipples in spandex are always standing at attention. It was also be retconned that Lex's hair didn't fall out, it was noogied off. The Joker is laughing about the whole thing, because he finds it funny, while the Penguin and the other two losers are all "Okay, maybe if we just give them our lunch money, we won't lose our nipples like Lex." The girls are all "Boys are so dumb!" because they know Mullet Superman would never dare attempt the purple nurple on them. He may be cranky, but he is still a gentleman, especially since Kingdom Come Superman is planning to use his new bling to get him some of Teen Anguish Mary Marvel, because he loves the bad girls. Crazy in the head, crazy in bed. The Monitors are obviously HALL Monitors and they need Ray Palmer, the ultimate DCU science geek to talk the two Supermen out of their reign of terror by delivering a moving speech about how bullying is wrong and geeks are alright. It's simply a Countdown to Supermen Bully Crisis!

Tomorrow, more of me making fun of this stupid bullshit.