DC Continuity Sucks

So, I'm watching some TV in the basement here in my parents' house, and I begin looking through the stack of recent comics my dad has gotten. Nothing really catching my eye until I get to Countdown #2. Since I bought Death of the New Gods, I kind of wanted to see how Darkseid actually died since that didn't happen in the mini-series.

And, um... what?

I hate to be one of those guys who is all "Continuity error! Continuity error! I read the comic good!" (who gets that reference?), but when your entire fucking line of books is built on making sure they match up, I can't resist pointing that shit out.

I only take issue with Orion showing up since he was, well, dead. Granted, his soul was still around, but Darkseid knew that having just fought it before fleeing to Earth. And it couldn't speak. At least, all of that according to Death of the New Gods #8.

In Countdown #2, Orion was fully alive, Darkseid was surprised, and Orion could talk.

Which is correct? Does anyone know? Unless, of course, this ties into Grant Morrison's idea that the New Gods we've seen are just avatars--a concept that could lead to multiple versions of the same god showing up at the same time! So, yeah, one version of Orion died and came back as a soul, but that doesn't mean he can't show up in another avatar that's totally alive! And the Darkseid in Countdown obviously isn't the same one as the Darkseid in Death of the New Gods, because if they were the same ones, it wouldn't actually make sense!

So, instead of shitty editing over a very, very basic issue that would have been easily corrected by altering, like, three lines of dialogue, it's really just subtle storytelling that utilises concepts by Grant Morrison. I'm sorry, Dan Didio. I misunderstood for a moment. Please forgive me.

Bitch-Slapped

Matt Brady bitch-slapped Mike Carlin in the weekly "counting down" feature over at Newsarama yesterday:

NRAMA: Over in the shelter - Amazons Attack ended this week, with the revelation that the Greek Gods are imprisoned by, if not by the entire forces of Apokalips, at least Granny Goodness, and Granny is impersonating Athena. So - the Athena that's showing up in Countdown, and has established a center to train women....that's Granny Goodness too?

MC: See... Who needs footnotes?

NRAMA: Probably the people reading Countdown but not Amazons Attack who think it’s still Athena. Moving along...

Lovely.

Magic Eight Ball Mondays: Countdown to Who Cares?

Another Monday, another session with the magic eight ball. About last week: yes, the magic eight ball really did respond no right away and, yes, I wanted to do that joke at some point. Now, it's been done, so we won't be doing it again. This week, I'll ask the magic eight ball questions about DC's Countdown stuff. As always, anything that's positive is a yes (like "outlook good"), anything negative is a no and anything else will be followed as directed. Let's do this:

Me: So, ready to go, magic eight ball?

8: It Is Certain

Me: Good. Now, will Countdown be a success on the whole?

8: You May Rely On It

Me: Really?

8: Most Likely

Me: No, no, no . . . really????

8: It Is Certain

Me: Wow. I, uh, didn't see that coming. Let's move on: Will Mary Marvel remain a skank?

8: Cannot Predict Now

Me: Will the New Gods all die?

8: Ask Again Later

Me: Will Jason Todd become a well-liked and respected character?

8: Yes

Me: Will the Jokester be a cool character?

8: Better Not Tell You Now

Me: The one thing I care about . . . again, the New Gods--are they all going to die?

8: Reply Hazy Try Again

Me: Will all of the New Gods die?

8: Better Not Tell You Now

Me: Will Jimmy Olsen die?

8: Signs Point To Yes

Me: Will the Joker kill him?

8: Concentrate And Ask Again

Me: WILL. THE. JOKER. KILL. JIMMY. OLSEN?

8: Yes Definitely

Me: Is the Martian Manhunter in love with Batman?

8: My Sources Say No

Me: Are Kingdom Come Superman and Mullet-Superman bullies now?

8: Without A Doubt

Me: Will the Teen Titans kill Darkseid just to shut up the JSA geezers?

8: Yes

Me: Is the DCU having its period?

8: Outlook Not So Good

Me: Seriously, will Countdown be a success overall?

8: Outlook Good

Me: But, but, but, but--HOW?

8: Signs Point To Yes

Me: Er, sorry. Will is be because of Grant Morrison? Will Grant make it alright?

8: Most Likely

Me: So, Final Crisis will redeem it all?

8: It Is Certain

Me: But, will Countdown the book remain crap?

8: Without A Doubt

Me: Okay, that makes sense. Did I forget anything?

8: Outlook Good

Me: Oh. Was it important?

8: As I See It Yes

Me: Uh . . . will they find Ray Palmer?

8: Cannot Predict Now

Me: Will evil actually inherit the Earth?

8: Most Likely

Me: Fuck, I'm sick of this, can we stop?

8: Better Not Tell You Now

Me: . . .

Alright, that does it for another week. Hope you've learned something. If you have a question for the magic eight ball, submit it to us via the comments or e-mail.

Countdown to Who Cares?

And today, we conclude our look at DC's latest Countdown teaser, because, well, I don't have any more ideas. Actually, I don't have an idea for this post, but I didn't have any ideas for the previous ones ahead of time either, so . . .

I dunno . . . Mary Marvel is . . . evil? And does . . . evil . . . stuff? Lex Luthor looks pretty upset, huh? And that Pied Piper guy is all gesturing towards him--what's up with that? And don't get me started on Catwoman! I am convinced the key to this picture is Catwoman, because . . . seriously, what the fuck is the point of this picture? Yeah, it's a nice looking piece of art and Ethan Van Sciver does a great job, but, really, what the fuck? Are there actually people trying to figure this shit out? Do people care? Is this getting people all excited, especially after reading Didio's explanation of the first one? I mean, say what you will about Marvel: Elektra getting run through and turning out to be a Skrull is a LOT more exciting than weirdo cryptic image with an infinite number of possibilities. You know what would make this image a worthwhile tool? CONTEXT. Without any context, the whole thing is meaningless. Readers of Countdown can probably figure out a few of these things, but some are totally meaningless. What is up with Catwoman? Or the Martian Manhunter? Or Mullet Superman? Have any of them been mentioned in the same sentence as the whole Countdown thing before this? If not, then so what? The sad thing is, my four crazy theories seem just as likely as any others, because there's nothing here to provide any real guidance. I'm all for trying to get the fans involved and excited, but to do so in a game of "Guess how I took a plot-point, altered it symbolically to get here, except do it in reverse!"? Why not just tell compelling, interesting stories that get people excited? Honestly, I'm not a DC guy or a Marvel guy--look through my collection, you'll find I'm split pretty evenly and that's usually because of the creator, not the character, but Marvel has me interested right now and DC doesn't and that says something, because my only loyalty is to the writing. And this image did nothing for me except inspire contempt and the urge to make fun of it for a week.

But, hey, at least someone's talking about it, I guess. That's something.

Countdown to DCU PMS Crisis!

Continuing my mockery of the latest Countdown teaser from DC . . .

The sky is red and it swirls in the middle, just like every other crisis the DCU has. The swirl is obviously a vagina and the red obviously means menstruation. If the DCU is alive as Grant Morrison has argued it is, I'm thinking the DCU is a woman and that she's on the rag and she is pissed off because her boyfriend (the Marvel universe, I'm guessing) did something stupid like, I dunno, forgot to ask her if she wanted the last slice of pizza three weeks ago on movie night. Now, everyone in the DCU suffers, because the bitch is back hence evil inheriting the earth and the blood on Luthor's hands. It's from the DCU's vagina as he's realised the truth of the entire universe. Note also how Darkseid, with his phallic-shaped head has been destroyed, while the three women in the bottom left are all excited. Soon, the Marvel universe is going to pay and so will every man on earth in Countdown to DCU PMS Crisis!

(And why, yes, I am single. How did you guess? It was the "on the rag" line, wasn't it? Fuck.)

Cowntdown to Pissed Off Old People Crisis

Continuing my mocking of DC's latest teaser image for Countdown . . .

They're all standing on Darkseid's head, which can only mean one thing: one of the younger heroes killed him. Maybe a bunch of them. The Teen Titans killed Darkseid. Why? So when old Flash and old Green Lantern and Wildcat are all "Do it our way, because we beat Hitler!" the kids can respond "Fuck off, grandpa, we beat Darkseid. Who the fuck is Hitler?" The old JSA guys are pissed off now, because, well, shit, Darkseid IS worse and tougher than Hitler. Lacking the ability to gloat about beating a guy with funny mustache, they decide to beat up on the Teen Titans to prove they're superior and the Teen Titans kick the crap out of them. Jay Garrick breaks a hip and Wildcat can't seem to stop coughing, while what's his name Scott keeps looking for his domino mask, even though IT'S ON HIS FUCKING FACE! And the JLA get involved, trying to make peace, but that doesn't work and soon, all of the superheroes kill each other. And evil inherits the earth. Only in . . . Countdown to Pissed Off Old People Crisis!

(Seriously, that whole "we beat Hitler" line is getting lame at this point. It works in the real world, because Hitler was about as bad as it gets, but in the DCU where, well, the average costumed bank robber has the capabilities to cause more damage than Hitler ever imagined? Lame.)

Countdown to Supermen Bully Crisis

Today, I continue my quest to decipher the hidden meaning of DC's newest Countdown teaser pic. Ignore what I said yesterday as I was obviously wrong and I'll prove it.

Look at the three Supermen and what do you notice. There's Kingdom Come Superman, Cyborg Superman and Mullet-Head-Back-From-The-Dead Superman and they are the key to understand the coming crisis. Note the look of shame on Cyborg Superman's face, while Mullet Superman gives him a stern talking to. The last time these two met, Mullet Superman totally kicked the crap out of Cyborg Superman, so he obviously has the power in the relationship. Now, Cyborg Superman recently joined the Sinestro Corps and there's no ring on his hand. Maybe he wears it on his left, I don't know, but I do know that Kingdom Come Superman's hand is glowing yellow. Why? Because he stole Cyborg Superman's ring. Him and Mullet Superman. They've turned into bullies, those two. They've decided that the best way to deal with villains from now on isn't to beat them up when they do something wrong, but to randomly terrorise them by pushing them around and stealing their stuff. Look how Mullet Superman is yelling and about to smack Cyborg Superman. Ah, it only looks that way. He's not positioned to smack, but to wrap his arm around Cyborg Superman's neck to put him in a hold and then give him the noogie of a lifetime. All while Kingdom Come Superman watches, admiring his new ring, which he thinks will help him get all sorts of action from the ladies. See, Kingdom Come Superman is all about the bling. That's why he really hated Magog, because Magog was always decked out, head-to-toe in gold and Kingdom Come Superman was totally jealous. That's why Kingdom Come Superman has the gold belt buckle. It is the first piece of bling he owns, now he was the cool yellow ring that almost looks like gold. But, it's better than gold, because it can do all sorts of stuff, like make him look like he's wearing gold head-to-toe. Now, Mullet Superman doesn't care about that stuff, he's just pissed off that he didn't get to stay dead longer. He's like a cranky child who didn't get a good night's sleep. He was dead, what, a few weeks? PFT! Not nearly long enough. So, now he's all cranky and pissed off and he's going to purple every villain's nurple until he feels better about himself. Why is Lex Luthor so sad? Mullet Superman twisted his titties right off, and the blood on his hands is nipple blood. Look at his shirt: NO NIPPLES! He's wearing a skin-tight suit and he has no nipples. And we all know from comic book logic, nipples in spandex are always standing at attention. It was also be retconned that Lex's hair didn't fall out, it was noogied off. The Joker is laughing about the whole thing, because he finds it funny, while the Penguin and the other two losers are all "Okay, maybe if we just give them our lunch money, we won't lose our nipples like Lex." The girls are all "Boys are so dumb!" because they know Mullet Superman would never dare attempt the purple nurple on them. He may be cranky, but he is still a gentleman, especially since Kingdom Come Superman is planning to use his new bling to get him some of Teen Anguish Mary Marvel, because he loves the bad girls. Crazy in the head, crazy in bed. The Monitors are obviously HALL Monitors and they need Ray Palmer, the ultimate DCU science geek to talk the two Supermen out of their reign of terror by delivering a moving speech about how bullying is wrong and geeks are alright. It's simply a Countdown to Supermen Bully Crisis!

Tomorrow, more of me making fun of this stupid bullshit.

Countdown to Martian Orgy Crisis!

So, DC has given the internet a new teaser image for Countdown and it's full of all sorts of clues as to what's coming up. And I'm going to break the code for part of the picture and, in the process, blow your mind.

What I find interesting is that the Martian Manhunter has a knife. Why does a shapeshifter need a knife? I find the possibilities truly engaging and terrifying. What threat exists where a shapeshifter can only use a knife to combat it? Or, is the knife really part of J'onn? Did he just make a knife come out of his hand? If he did that, why is it stained? Can't he just get rid of any stains himself? Or does he like having what I assume is blood on the knives he makes out of himself? And why is he behind the Joker and Catwoman? Is that the blood of Batman's enemies and these two are next? Has J'onn become a serial killer of bad guys? Is he all insane in the membrane, which is why he uses a knife? Is too cazy to remember he's a shapeshifter? Is that why he doesn't, you know, just fry their brains with shapeshifter-powered telepathy and is using a knife? What about the Penguin, then? He's all the way on the other side of the picture--is he next after Joker and Catwoman? Did these guys hurt Batman? Is J'onn secretly in love with Batman and being all protective of his one true love? Do Martians have the same male/female distinctions we do? Does J'onn care about appearances and just loves Bruce for his mind? Does he pretend to be various billionaire-groupies so he can get some quality time with "Little Bruce"? (By the way, I used to watch this show called Eros, which was a show about sex. Like talking about it and segments and various acitivities/topics. One of the show's regular commentators revealed in one episode that he named his penis Bruce. Ever since then, I've never been able to look at Batman the same way.) Is that why he's called the Martian Manhunter? Has J'onn always been about the cock? Are his stories about a wife and kid a lie because he knew humans were prejudiced against homosexuals? Does the knife symbolise J'onn erect, sexually frustrated penis? Is killing Batman's enemies a form of sexual excitement for him? Does he associate their blood with semen? Will the crisis wind up being angry shapeshifting Martian on a rampage after he's rejected by Gotham playboy? While Marvel argues over politics, DC argues over love? Is there anything more scary than a rejected shapeshifter? Will J'onn alter Batman's brain so his love his returned? Will J'onn alter everyone's brains so they all love him? Will he travel across themultiverse, spreading his Martian love waves and making everyone love him? Will the Monitors need Ray Palmer to shrink down and shoot J'onn's brain up to shit like future-Atom did in Morrison's "Rock of Ages" storyline to Darkseid? And when it's all over, will Lex Luthor be pissed off because, once again, the superheroes have killed someone he's loved, not knowing that J'onn MADE Lex love him along with everyone else, while the other villains are all "Shit, Lex is gay for the green Martian! Loser!"? Is this all just a countdown to a Martian Orgy Crisis?

And that's how I cracked the code of the picture. Your move, DC.