Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Showcase Presents Superman Vol. 1 (Part Three)

I haven't posted about this book since March, but I've slogged through another 200 pages and, Christ, some of this is pretty messed up.

* Criminals buy an island, turn it into a replica of Krypton, advertise it, get people to move there . . . all so they can trick Superman into turning a dozen pieces of coal into diamonds. I kept waiting for the guy in charge to go, "Hey, wait a minute, our insanely retarded scheme is making us rich legally, fuck this shit!"

* Superman's now-dead adopted parents use a time machine to visit him. So, Superman takes them to his Fortress of Solitude where he shows off his various cool things like his lava swimming pool, his pet alien dinosaur and his lame robots. All goes well until the Kents find a room "IN MEMORY OF THE PARENTS OF SUPERMAN" and get all jealous until Superman shows them the "IN MEMORY OF THE EARTH PARENTS OF SUPERMAN" room, which has the whole family eating dinner, but Clark in his Superboy costume. Once again, we see that Superman's Fortress of Solitude is really some weird museum that Superman has built for after he dies.

Later in the issue, the Kents are all at Clark's apartment when Lois shows up with a pie. Before she enters, Clark uses his x-ray vision to see that it's her and calls her the girl he may marry someday. Upon her entering, he's glad she's brought a pie so the Kents can judge if she's a good cook, which leads to the following:



Two things: 1. Lois is sitting right there, you old bastard! Totally embarrassing. 2. Clark Kent = master of the obvious.

When Clark sees a problem, he tells his dad to help get rid of Lois, so the old guy spills hot coffee on her. After both Lois and Clark leave, we learn that these aren't the Kents, but people dressed as the Kents who figured out that they were Superman's adopted parents by researching the records in Smallville. Yeah, these con artists are better journalists than everyone else on the planet. And then later, they blackmail Superman and he defeats them in a totally lame way.

* Superman gets amnesia and forgets his secret identity. Eventually, he learns that it's Clark Kent after pretending to be a blonde British guy who takes Clark's job while Clark is on vacation. Superman learns of his real secret identity by flying faster than light and using a special lens to see him change on Earth in the past.He then uses the fake British identity to fool Lois into thinking THAT was his secret identity all along. He never actually regains his memory.

* Superman shows up at some pseudo-mystic magician's act and exposes all of his tricks, because he's a dick.

* When Lois uglies herself up to get out of a blind date the same night she has a date with Superman, Superman does the same by pretending his real face is that of Alfred E. Newman, beloved Mad Magazine mascot. Lois is heartbroken and stays with him, but can only become sexually aroused by imaging Superman is still good looking. Weird irony: uglied-up Lois is hotter than regular Lois. She's got cool messed up hair, glasses and a wacky dress. Totally alternative chic.

* Superman discovers an uncharted island off the coast of Metropolis where evil people have been enslaving sailors to work on some secret "Project X." Instead of just saving all of these innocents from horrible slavery, Superman goes undercover as Clark Kent and gets taken prisoner. But, OH NOES(!), Jimmy snuck aboard Clark's ship and is emprisoned as well. The rest of the issue has Jimmy and the other slaves get fucked over by Superman again and again. Clark makes his iron ball and chain light as a feather: no more food for anyone. Jimmy figures out a way to escape is basically free, but that could mean fucking up Superman's lame plan, so he makes sure Jimmy gets caught and sentenced to death. After Superman saves Jimmy from being shot, the villains stick him in a rocket (which is Project X) and when it fails to launch, Superman throws it into space. All so he could fuck it up and convince the bad guys their plan was shit to begin with.

So, instead of just stopping the bad guys, he let's people work hard labour, starve, think they're going to die and get shot into space. Superman is such a dick.

There's also the part of the issue where Superman calls his costume indestructable, but then manages to pull various threads from it. The fuck?

* Clark Kent gets blown up, so Superman let's everyone think he's dead. Because Lois is so heartbroken, he takes her to dinner. He then moves in with Jimmy Olsen, which causes all sorts of problem when people realise that Superman lives there. Days later, Lois is still mourning Clark, but all Superman can think about is "Oh no, people want me to do stuff! Wah-wah-wah!" He eventually tricks everyone into thinking Clark somehow survived because he's learned the value of having a secret identity.

* Some random dude is upset because it's some weird day at his son's school where dad's wear costumes that they wore while performing a heroic deed and he's done nothing--so he decides to pretend he's Superman. His wife convinces him that his son will eventually learn the truth and it will fuck him up for life, but before he can get out of the costume, trouble errupts . . . RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE! There's a giant robot carrying a stick of dynamite and it yells:


Coolest robot ever. So, the bad guys take Clark Kent as a hostage and think this idiot is Superman. They want him to help them find some loot their dead boss hid in a museum. Cue various scenes of Clark secretly helping this guy pretend he's Superman and the day is eventually saved with the guy's son all impressed because his dad saved the day WITHOUT superpowers, which is totally cooler than Superman.

* So, there's an ape called Toot that's shot into space, hit with radiation and when it comes back, immediately becomes giant and shoots Kryptonite radiation from its eyes. Lois renames it Titano after it gropes her.

* Lex Luthor turns all of the lead in the world into glass. This fact is promptly ignored in future stories.

* Clark goes on a talk show where the host brings forth huge amounts of evidence that Clark Kent is Superman and Clark lies over and over again, even while hooked up to a lie detector. Lois is upset that this guy may prove Clark is Superman, something she's failed to prove for years.

* Men from the year 2000 (named Vard and Boka) show up and accuse Superman of being a criminal. Naturally, everyone believes them. They capture Superman, take him to the future and then reveal that in the future, all of the oceans have dried up, but they have a plan: Superman will take two of Saturn's moon, which are made of "frozen snow" and use them to bring water back to Earth. For billions of dollars!

When Superman saves the day and returns to his time, Lois doesn't "KNOW WHETHER OR BE GLAD OR ANGRY TO SEE YOU BACK SO SOON!" because she and Perry were just about to listen to a tape Superman left them in case he was taken to the future and it has all of his secrets. After she says this, Superman has that "I will fucking hit you, bitch" look on his face and tells her she better be glad he's back.

* Clark is turned into an old man for three days. During this time, he pretends to be the Old Man of the Sea and Father Time to avoid exposing his secret identity. When returned to normal, Lois takes him to see the musical version of Rip Van Winkle, the story of a man who woke up old all of a sudden much like the time Superman was turned into a lion and she took him to see Beauty and the Beast. Lois is such a bitch.

* Superman kills Lois and is haunted by her ghost. People make fun of him and call him crazy.

And that's it for this time.