Non-CBR Review: Captain America: Who Won't Wield the Shield #1

[I reviewed Captain America: Who Won't Wield the Shield #1 for CBR this week, but the review published wasn't the first review I wrote. I wrote another one inspired by the nature of the book, treating the whole thing as a joke somewhat. Sadly, it couldn't be used -- for reasons that should be obvious. Not sure how funny this 'review' is, but figured I'd stick it up anyway. Enjoy.]

Title: Captain America: Who Won’t Wield the Shield #1
Story by: Jason Aaron, Matt Fraction, Stuart Moore
Art by: Mirco Pierfederici, Brendan McCarthy, Joe Quinones
Colors by: Mirco Pierfederici, Brendan McCarthy, Howard Hallis, Javier Rodriquez
Letters by: Todd Klein
Cover by: Gerald Parel
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Cover price: $3.99 (USD)
Release Date: April 21st, 2010
Rating: 5
Blurb: Does anyone read these blurbs? Anyone? Whatever.

Yeah, I didn’t read this book. Didn’t need to. It’s obviously a five-star book and I’ll tell you how I know: a little thing called the ‘positive review bonus’ that’s been added into my next reviewing check from Jonah. You see, a publisher like Marvel Comics understands the importance that a positive review from an Eisner-winning site like Comic Book Resources can have and, sometimes, likes to remind us reviewers that Marvel Comics is, in fact, the best comic book publisher there is (buy Siege!). Captain America: Who Won’t Wield the Shield #1 being one of their brilliant books and written by exceptional talents like Jason Aaron (buy Wolverine: Weapon X, Punishermax, and Astonishing Spider-Man/Wolverine!), Matt Fraction (buy Uncanny X-Men, Invincible Iron Man, and Thor!), and Stuart Moore (buy Cloak and Dagger!), they would be remiss if they didn’t do everything in their power to push it. After all, a positive CBR review can be the difference between angry retailers demanding that Marvel take back the stacks of unsold copies cluttering up shops and that oh-so-coveted fifteenth printing.

So, I didn’t read it, because no one said I had to. Besides, all anyone cares about is the star rating. Five stars. Boom. Done. Easiest twenty bucks I ever made.

But, apparently, to save face, these reviews need to be a few hundred words more. Since I’ve got nothing left to say, I’ll just let my editor, Augie De Blieck fill in the rest. Augie?

Thanks, Chad! Hi, boys and girls, this is Augie De Blieck of Pipeline Commentary and the Pipeline Podcast, both of which are available here at Comic Book Resources. Like Chad, I didn’t have a chance to read this comic, because of work and family obligations, but, from what I’ve seen of the preview pages, I would have had to fire Chad if he didn’t give this book at least five stars. Captain America: Who Won’t Wield the Shield #1 is just that fantastic a comic. I hope to read it someday when I finally get an iPad since I’ve given up reading actual paper comics in favor of the sleek, sexy, efficient iPad. I don’t have one yet, but I hope to get one soon and, then, I can get back to reading all of the comics I somehow enjoyed when they were only available in ink and paper.

After all, can ink and paper truly provide the high resolution and picture quality of an iPad? Don’t you owe it to yourself to only view the stunning art of Mirco Pierfederici, Brendan McCarthy, and Joe Quinones on an Apple device that shows them in the best possible manner? Paper comics are so antiquated and bulky. As you can read in next week’s Pipeline Commentary, I did a comparative study between comic book shops and iPads where I determined that iPads are much smaller and compact than brick and mortar comic book shops, proving their efficiency and that we must do away with comic shops immediately. Digital is the future, my friends!

Also, don’t forget to check out the Pipeline Podcast where I’ll be running down this week’s releases from the best publisher in comics, Marvel Comics, who happen to have an app for the iPad that I can’t wait to try out. Here are some previews of the biggest books of the week that I’ll be discussing on my podcast: Sif #1, Ultimate Comics Avengers #6, Siege: Spider-Man #1, X-Men Forever annual #1, Firestar #1, Her-oes #1, and, of course, the number one comic of this week, a five-star book if I ever saw one, Captain America: Who Won’t Wield the Shield #1. You can follow me on Twitter at @augieshoots and my e-mail address is augiedb@comicbooksresources.com. Thanks for reading.