Saturday, July 11, 2009

I Bought Comics: July 8, 2009

[My girlfriend is out of town this weekend camping with friends. I am lonely as a result. What? Weekends are our time to hang out and all of the things that that entails. But, no, this weekend, I'm sitting in my basement apartment all alone, tired, cranky, and ready to talk about comics. Oh lucky you, imaginary reader. You shall be the recipient of my Wisdom on this dark Saturday morning. I come not to review comics but to talk shit. Rock and roll.]

Dark X-Men: The Beginning #1

Because I am a sucker and god forbid we didn't know every small stupid mundane detail about how it came about that the Dark X-Men were formed. Fuck you for buying this and fuck me, too. I hate it when I'm part of the problem. I hate myself right now because of a dumb comic... what the fuck? When did my life come down to me writing about comics online at 2:33 am and hating myself for buying a dumb, shitty comic? And make no mistake, this is a DUMB SHITTY COMIC, people! I don't care how you try to dress it up, there is no reason for this comic to exist except to feed the beast and I'm beginning to hate the beast. I've been digging Fraction's little crossover so far, because it's a logical extension of the larger story -- why wouldn't Norman Osborn form his own X-Men? Why won't he form his own Fantastic Four? Or his own Heroes for Hire? Or his own Secret Defenders? Why not Dark Guardians of the Galaxy? DARK ELDERS OF THE UNIVERSE! Oh yes, it shall be glorious and then we can have dozens of specials detailing how Norman Osborn personally approached each and every character to recruit them to his team and we can be aware of every small bit of continuity, because we have to know. We must know! Because god forbid we didn't know exactly how, detail-for-detail, second-for-second why a lame-as-fuck z-list bullshit character like the Mimic joined the Dark X-Men. You know why? Because Matt Fraction said so. The character wasn't doing anything and Fraction thought he'd make a good addition to the team. That's why. In the story, it's basically the same thing: he wasn't really doing anything and Norman decided he wanted him. It's goddamn metafictional. Art imitating life. No one cares about the Mimic, so why not throw him on the stupid mirror mirror version of the X-Men? He's like Dark Angel or something. And Dark Beast? Well... I can't even remember what happened in that story. It was rubbish and pointless. The Namor one at least built on recent events, because his joining the team actually requires an explanation, because, when we last saw him, he was ready to rip off Osborn's skull and shit in his brain. You want to know why Namor joined up? Because he doesn't know why. Or maybe he did it all for the nookie. Who the fuck knows? And I paid four dollars and something for this comic and I'll probably buy the next two issues, too. I am pathetic and part of the problem. I mean, I've got to know what's up with this team. I just got to. Fuck.

Gravel #12

Another solid issue of Gravel. I'm not sure where this is going, but each issue is enjoyable. Highly underrated book.

No Hero #6

Warren Ellis wins, you fucking bastards. I don't know exactly what, but he wins. Everyone give up, because the superhero comic is officially dead. The last page of No Hero #6 killed it. The final page grabbed the superhero comic's spine, ripped it out of its back, and then the final page proceeded to attach the spine to itself using excess skin -- it made itself a giant penis out of spine and uttered



There's nothing else you can do with superhero comics anymore. I sure as shit don't know what else there is. I thought I'd actually seen it all, but then I saw a guy rip out a spine and attach it to his groin in triumph. And he's been the fucking portagonist of this comic. He's our point of view character. The new recruit. Our eyes and ears. So what does that say about us? Why did I feel excited about that final page? Does Warren Ellis know something about my superhero-loving brain that I don't? Because Josh is me and I'm Josh, so I secretly want my penis to fall off and then replace it with a superhero's spine? Of course I do, because I just realised that superheroes are just about money. All of the high ideals I worshipped, the morals, the ethics, the saving the world -- all a facade in the pusuit of money. I gave up my social life, I stayed inside weekends, pouring over my precious superhero comics, escaping into their worlds, I gave it all up and it's just about money. That's all. Oh sure, they'll say that it's about art and the love of the characters, but I know for sure. They raised the price by a dollar not because they had to, not because that's the only way to keep the comics coming, for superheroes to keep saving the world, but because they want more money. They're happy to lie to our faces, to laugh about it, to bullshit us -- they make us care, make us obsess, make us devote large chunks of our lives. We could be out getting laid and drinking and having fun, we could be making friends, but we don't. We're willing to exchange our cocks and our appearance if it means we can live the superhero dream. AND IT'S REALLY JUST ABOUT MONEY. IT WAS ALWAYS ABOUT THE MONEY. FROM DAY ONE. We've been had, we've been bilked -- and when we realise the truth, we'll want our cocks back by any means necessary... Warren Ellis knows this and he's shown us the truth. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh fuck and he's right. That final page is so goddamned fucked. And it's a mirror, people. Look at Josh's mask. It's a mirror that reflects our faces. Because he is us and we are him. Enjoy your comics.