CBR Review: Siege: Embedded #1

I recently reviewed Siege: Embedded #1 for CBR and, in the process, wrote the following sentences: "With another Marvel event beginning, that can only mean one thing: it’s time for another Front Line book to provide that ‘man on the street’ perspective that Marvel is quite fond of. This time, the book is titled Siege: Embedded as the focus is shifted from Ben Urich to also including another member of his (putting it loosely) profession, Todd Keller, a blowhard TV pundit who is taken along with H.A.M.M.E.R. to invade Asgard after the disaster in Chicago depicted in Siege #1. This adds an interesting dynamic to the series, but isn’t delved into nough to make an impact in this issue."

You can read the rest HERE!

Blogathon 33: Secret Invasion (Part 2)

[Discussed in this post: Secret Invasion #2, Mighty Avengers #14, New Avengers #41, #43, Secret Invasion: Who Do You Trust?, and Secret Invasion #3.]

I'm using the reading order for Secret Invasion that I came up with earlier this year in these posts.

Secret Invasion #2 follows up on one of the first issue's teasers: the '70s heroes in the crashed spaceship. They totally throw down with the New and Mighty Avengers and you're damn right it's awesome. Luke 'Sweet Christmas!' Cage versus Luke 'Responsible Father!' Cage! Spider-Man versus Spider-Man! Ms. Marvel versus Ms. Marvel! It is everything you could hope for and more. Except, seriously, the '70s heroes couldn't be the real ones? That would have been sweet. Or, I don't know, a mixture of the two? Some Skrulls, some humans? The issue ends with the Skrulls invading Times Square. And they are some awesome-looking Skrulls. The Young Avengers are totally impressed.

Mighty Avengers #14 is a fairly solid Sentry story. It earns marks as a Secret Invasion tie-in that doesn't explain how someone became a Skrull. Really, it explains that the Skrulls don't see the Sentry as a threat because he's crazy -- if he hasn't already killed himself (or everyone) by the time the invasion happens, just shapeshift into the Void and he'll freak out. Easy as pie. And it works. Wow! But, then, a Skrull tries to kill Lindy, the Sentry's wife, so the Void gets involved and saves her. She's a little freaked out as a result. An issue that advances a totally different Bendis subplot but it works.

New Avengers #41 is a Savage Land issue where Ka-Zar and his wife (Shanna? Sheena?) explain how they came across Skrulls before with those rogue SHIELD agents in the Savage Land. Borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring!

New Avengers #43 is more Savage Land goodness as we learn that '70s Captain America is a Skrull after he's killed by Mutates or something. Even more borrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring!

Secret Invasion: Who Do You Trust? is a one-shot with five stories. They're all pretty bad. The Captain Marvel one is melodramatic and painful to read. The Agent Brand one has a moment or two -- and some interesting art, but whatever. The Wonder Man & Beast team-up is decent, but definitely geared at people who remember those two doing things together. Meaning not me. Because I don't. The Marvel Boy NOH-VARR! story shows that ripping off Grant Morrison's writing isn't the same as writing a faithful version of his character. The Agents of Atlas one made me not want to read Agents of Atlas.

In Secret Invasion #3, the SHIELD Helicarrier magically appears in the Bermuda Triangle after losing power over Manhattan. Wicked mean gliding skills that Helicarrier. In New York, the Skrulls kick some fucking ass and destroy lots of property and not even the Avengers Initiative kids can save the day. Meanwhile, in the Savage Land, the Skrull Queen/Spider-Woman tries to convince Tony Stark that he's a Skrull as a mean tease to all of us who kind of wish he were a Skrull, because that would mean that he's not a horrible bastard. (Spoiler: he's not a Skrull. He is a horrible bastard.) Back in New York, the Skrulls take Times Square and celebrate by killing young superheroes until one of them is blown up by...

NICK FURY AND HIS MOTHERFUCKING HOWLIN' COMMANDOS, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?

You'll find your answers in 30 minutes.

Also, we're up to $160 raised! More! I demand more!

[Don't forget to donate what you can to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund! After you do, let me know via comment or e-mail (found at the righthand side) so I can keep track of donations -- and who to thank.]

Blogathon 31: New Avengers: Illuminati

[Discussed in this post: New Avengers: Illuminati #1-5.]

It's Sunday now. Only nine more hours of this.

I'm not sure I can write anything now about this book better than I wrote about it when I named it the worst comic of 2007. Granted, that was just out of the comics I'd read that year, so I'm sure there were worse, but I really, really hate this mini-series. I won't blame it on Brian Reed, because it shows some of Bendis's worst traits in retconning the past: namely, if it suits his needs, screw what came before. Normally, I'm not necessarily opposed to that line of thinking, except there's nothing here except changes and promises that there will be pay-offs later.

The first issue isn't that bad. No big changes there, but I will always be bothered by Black Bolt being able to blow up the ship with his voice, but the Skrull King who is ten feet away not dying. How does that work? No one seems to be able to answer me in that area. How can a voice blow up a spaceship and not a little squishy thing 10 feet away? It just drives me insane. I wind up shaking my head and gesturing with my hands wildly while trying to make sounds that come up like parts of words. But, this issue matters in that it sets up Secret Invasion, WHICH HAPPENS NEXT! The Illuminati, after the Kree-Skrull War, go the Skrull homeworld, tell them to fuck off, blow up their main starship, get captured, escape, and the Skrull King vows that Earth will be his!

The final issue also matters since it has Tony bring the Skrull body to the group and Black Bolt reveals himself a Skrull and they fight. Then two more Skrulls show up the Illuminati barely survive. But they survive.

The other three issues? The only one that I have strong feelings about is issue four, which features the official introduction of Noh-Varr into the Marvel universe... and they call him 'Marvel Boy.' I will admit that I'm a little possessive and weird about Noh-Varr in the worst fanboy sort of way, but his name isn't Marvel Boy, that's the title of the goddamn comic book. How does no one mention how hypocritical it is for Namor to judge ANYONE who declares war on humanity? My original thoughts on the issue stand.

I don't mind Jimmy Cheung's art, but it's stuck drawing godawful writing, so it kind of sucks as a result.

In 30 minutes, we begin the big, three- or four-part Secret Invasion series of post. Are you excited? You should be!

[Don't forget to donate what you can to the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund! After you do, let me know via comment or e-mail (found at the righthand side) so I can keep track of donations -- and who to thank.]

I Bought Comics: April 8, 2009

[For the first time ever, I will not just be discussing my non-CBR-reviewed purchases, but one of the books I reviewed for CBR as well... again, not reviews, just thoughts, impressions, what have you.

Captain Britain and MI:13 #12

One of my fellow CBR reviewers, Greg McElhatton points something out in his review of this issue that I hadn't considered before: Paul Cornell is writing a fresh and interesting vampire story that is unlike anything that came before. I hadn't thought about that, but it's true. How the fuck did he do that?

Timestorm 2009/2099 #1

What I wrote in my e-mail to Augie when I submitted my review: "So, they try to cash in on the 2099 name, but then deliver a different 2099 world... what is wrong with people? Who thought that would be a GOOD idea in any way? And will Brian Reed ever write a comic that I don't want to throw out immediately after reading for fear that it's mediocrity will somehow rub off on my other comics?" I forgot to add that Eric Battle's art is the sort of shit you'd expect to find in a random issue of Spider-Man Unlimited during the period where Ben Reilly was Spider-Man. I'm thinking of a specific issue and next time I'm at my parents' house, I may have to hunt for it to see if he actually did art in it.

But, seriously, what is the goddamn point of using the 2099 name and then changing the whole fucking thing? "Well, Chad, you have to read the series to find out." After a pisspoor comic like this, I don't quite see that happening.

(And in a possibly odd judge of its quality, I've yet to see a thread for this issue appear on CBR's forums. Normally, by this time, a thread would have shown up--even for the shittiest of comics--and someone would have called me some bad words because I didn't appreciate the obvious genius of this week's true masterpiece. Seriously. There was even a thread devoted to proclaiming how wrong I was to trash The Death-Defying 'Devil #4--not a thread for the issue, but for my review. Only two people participated and neither of them were me. But, yeah, not a single thread yet? Not a good sign.)

Wolverine: Weapon X #1

I generally like Jason Aaron's writing, but this left me cold. It feels like half a first issue. Here's what happens: Logan learns that old Weapon X technology is being used to alter people. That's it. Sure, that information is conveyed in an entertaining enough manner, but that just doesn't cut it.

Young Liars #14

On Tuesday, I was upset over the utter shunning of Young Liars by the Eisner's. On Wednesday, I was enthralled by the absolute genius of this issue and made even more upset. Best comic there is right now.

CBR Review: Timestorm 2009/2099 #1

I recently reviewed Timestorm 2009/2099 #1 for CBR and, in the process, wrote the following sentences: "Three pages in, I could tell that this wasn’t a good comic and I really wish the ensuing 19 would have proved me wrong but, no, Timestorm 2009/2099 #1 isn’t a good comic. Or maybe it is a good comic with a convoluted yet mysterious plot, banal and clichéd characterization, fill-in-issue quality art, and a general feeling of ‘who cares?’ makes for a good comic. Somehow, I doubt it."

You can read the rest HERE!

Could Marvel's Future Be X-Rated?

I received a lovely e-mail this morning from a guy/girl (the name given isn't a clear indicator) who had recently read Marvel Boy and came across my essay on the series (although, that essay makes me cringe and I keep meaning to update/rewrite it--same with my Codeflesh one), and wanted to know what I think of the recent use of Noh-Varr in the Marvel universe. I've discussed this a few times here in the past, but since it got me thinking, I figured I'd address it again in some detail.

My view on the Noh-Varr in Marvel Boy is that he's partially an invocation of Golden Age "heroes" like Namor and the original Marvel Boy, but also a reimaging of Spider-Man for the 21st century. The numerous similarities are too numerous to ignore from the colours/design of his costume and hair (the colours being the opposite colours of Spider-Man's costume), the death of a father figure, the survivor of a mother figure, the death of a girlfriend and getting a new girlfriend (note that their hair colours are red and blonde...), the general lesson of issue three is one of responsibility, the spider/cockroach powers... except Noh-Varr acts like an angry teenager with superpowers would: he carves swear words into cities, fights against authority figures, dates the wrong girl, learns everything he knows from TV, and wants to tear everything down so he can make the world "better." I still say that Noh-Varr captures the teenage experience far better than Spider-Man could ever hope to--better than any teenage superhero story ever has, I'd even say.

We'll never know exactly what Grant Morrison had in mind for the next two Marvel Boy series, but I get the feeling that, over the course of them, Noh-Varr would mature and grow, and no longer be an angry young man... because that's what happens. And that seems to be the direction that Brian Michael Bendis (with the help of Zeb Wells and Brian Reed) is taking the character. But...

But, it's too quick. There's no real reason for growth in the character. Since Marvel Boy, he been imprisoned, confronted by the Illuminati (in a godawful issue) as they tried to suggest that he should somehow help and protect the barbaric monkeys, brainwashed by the warden of said prison, taken over the prison and... yeah, not much. Where is the impetus for growth, to somehow want to take over the mantle of Captain Marvel as things seem to point to? He still comes from a civilisation thousands of years ahead of humanity--and the Kree of the 616 Marvel universe. As I said, the Kree may be more advanced, but it's by a few centuries, and Noh-Varr is beyond them all by a few millenia... he may feel affinity for the Kree of this universe, but not much. To put it another way, would you feel a whole of affinity for the homo sapiens of 150,000 years ago? How about even 10,000 years ago? They would barely qualify as human if your eyes because they're so less evolved. Now, is Noh-Varr that advanced? Debatable, but he is advanced enough that I don't see anything that Bendis/Reed/Wells has done that would suggest he would waver from his goal of tarraforming Earth and its cultures in an effort to recreate his homeworld of Hala.

Thinking that through, an idea occurred to me: maybe that's how Secret Invasion ends. Maybe after the Skrulls are defeated, Noh-Varr takes over and begins going about reshaping the world. Highly unlikely, but since the push to have him take over as Captain Marvel is so obvious, it would make sense that a curve ball be thrown. Maybe the "secret invasion" of the title is Noh-Varr's, not the Skrulls'. That would at least be interesting.

(I also want to say that despite his inclusion in the regular Marvel universe, I still read Marvel Boy as the first Ultimate book--the true updating of Spider-Man and other Marvel concepts for the 21st century... Morrison's reimagining of Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, the Punisher, and S.H.I.E.L.D. are all much more in line with the concept of the Ultimate universe in that they really do take the concepts and push them beyond their old limitations, making them more palatable for modern audiences. Just saying.)

So, that's that.

Best of 2007: The Bottom One

Okay, I was planning to do a bottom five list of the worst comics I read this past year, but realised that three of the books were mostly just mediocre pieces of shit and the other was too fresh for me to jump on the bandwagon with everyone else. So, that leaves one book. It may surprise you, it may not, and it shows just how fucking retarded I am since I bought the entire things, but the honor of the bottom one goes to...

New Avengers: Illuminati

That's right, folks, the book that looked the history of the Marvel universe in the eye and promptly blew a load into it. I reread this... gem of a series last night and, wow, seriously?

I had high hopes for this five-issue series since I like the idea of the Illuminati, a secret group of heroes that have worked behind the scenes, secretly guiding the post-human community in specific directions and doing cool shit. Except they don't do cool shit, they do retarded shit that is Bendis just putting the pieces in place for the upcoming Secret Invasion storyarc in the most clunky, nonsensical ways possible.

The first issue takes place right after the end of the Kree-Skrull War with the Illuminati paying the king of the Skrulls a visit to tell him that if he tries anything again, they will fuck him up good. And, to prove they're serious, Black Bolt speaks and blows up the king's ship. Except--and forgive me if I'm taking this a little too seriously--the vocal blast powerful enough to blow up a giant spaceship DOESN'T ACTUALLY HARM ANY OF THE SKRULLS WHO ARE STANDING FIVE FUCKING FEET AWAY! Right there is the first example of why this series is such horrible crap: it doesn't have any sense of consistency or logic. I simply can't figure out how that works at all. I can usually overlook a lot of stupid shit in superhero comics, but that still leaves me gesturing wildly while shouting out half-formed sentences like "What the--why doesn't--Black Bolt should--BAD GODDAMN WRITING GO AWAY NOW!"

The second issue didn't bother me that much when I first read it, but I've since read a shitload of Jim Starlin comics and now I have a serious fanboy hatred of issue two. In that issue, Reed Richards gets the Illuminati to help him gather up the Infinity Gems, of which he already has three including the Soul Gem. Now, I don't know about you, but the last time I saw the Soul Gem, Adam Warlock had it (looking on Wikipedia, I see that sometime since Thanos #6 he may have lost it--in an issue of She-Hulk maybe?) and now Reed just has it. What? That's like if they were collecting mythical items and he just had Thor's hammer, no explanation given. It's just, "Oh, he has that, I'm sure there isn't a story there at all."

There's also the fact that the Infinity Gems don't work together to form the Infinity Gauntlet. At one point, one of the Illuminati members says they thought the case and Reed responds "Says who?" (Oh god, I am feeling so fucking fanboyish right now.) Um, says the Living Tribunal. Fuck off. So, when Reed makes the Gauntlet work at the end and the Watcher shows up, all freaked out... it kind of doesn't make any sense. It makes absolutely no sense.

Then there's just the small little mistake where the writers seem to understand and support past events while contradicting them right on the same page. Namor mentions how they (the heroes--although, as I've pointed out, these heroes mostly did shit-all anytime the Gauntlet was used) stopped the Gauntlet from being used twice (The Infinity Gauntlet with Thanos and The Infinity War with the Magus), but then Reed mentions how the last time it was used, he ceased to exist--except that was the first time, not the second. It's little minor shit like that that make it hard to actually forgive Bendis and Reed's rewriting of past events, because they don't seem to know what version of events they're adhering to.

Issue three is the infamous Beyonder issue where we learn that the Beyonder is really an Inhuman. No, wait, a MUTANT Inhuman! Since I have no attachment to that character, no fanboy freak-outs. I should point out that I am bothered anytime a group like this gets together and confronts a superior form of life and tells it that it shouldn't interfere with anything because they know better, which the Illuminati do here. The problem there is that the Beyonder has just as much a right to interfere with things on Earth as any of them. Saying that he isn't natural implies that both Inhumans AND mutants aren't natural and should just fuck off to space. Just saying.

I did a long post on issue four previously that saves me the effort to repeating everything wrong with that issue. At first, I was simply going to give the honour of worst comic of the year to this issue since it bothered me so much, but then I thought about the entire series and realised, yeah, the entire thing sucked.

Which brings us to the final issue where Skrullektra's body becomes an issue and Black Bolt is revealed to be a Skrull. I still don't know why exactly he revealed himself like that. Actually, I think that's the biggest flaw of this series, really: I kept reading issues and not understanding why shit was happening. There were no motives, no logic and... GAH! Goddamn.

Thinking about this series today, it became clear that the every issue did at least one of two things: set up the Secret Invasion or hinted that Black Bolt is a Skrull. Issue one showed the pissed off Skrulls and them stealing DNA samples from the heroes (as well, they never actually break Black Bolt out of his cell, he just kind of shows up). Issue two probably suggests that the Infinity Gauntlet will play a part. Issue three hints that this Black Bolt is a Skrull because he doesn't remember the Beyonder's transformation in the terrigan mists. Issue four sets up Noh-Varr as the next Captain Marvel and a Kree/Earth alliance, of sorts, against the Skrulls. And, issue five is the first part of the crossover (officially).

Except was the series ever billed as being such a strong lead-in to that crossover? Wasn't it supposed to just be all about the Illuminati's secret actions between the stories we knew? What about rewriting said stories? What about two characters contradicting one another's version of events, but both being viewed as facts?

I'm sure there were worse comics than this series released in 2007, but I didn't read them. And I really wish I hadn't read these issues.

Tomorrow, my top ten books of 2007.

The Future is No Longer X-Rated . . . sadly

I like to pride myself on my attempts to remain dispassionate about characters. I like to delude myself into looking at the fans who post on message boards, screaming for the blood of creators who dare to fuck with their character. But, come on, I’ve been reading comics since before I could read and I tend to read mostly superhero books from Marvel and DC. I may not be exactly like them, but I’m not exactly different either.

Case in point: Noh-Varr, the protagonist from Grant Morrison and JG Jones’ series Marvel Boy. I am a fanboy when it comes to Noh-Varr and what I’m going to say in this post may devolve into ranting no more eloquent than that of a fanboy where my ultimate point will undoubtedly be “How dare you fuck with my character!” I will attempt to avoid such a devolution of discourse, but, hey, I do like to get angry and rant with many naughty words.

So, New Avengers: Illuminati #4.

In looking at this book, it really must be divided into two parts; the first in which the members of the Illuminati discuss women, and the second in which the Illuminati “deal” with Noh-Varr. Both are problematic for various reasons.

Part the First: Clea has left Dr. Strange, which prompts the Illuminati to discuss their problems with women. We learn Professor X has dated outside the species, which is a reference to Lilandra, an alien, but also is a reminder that mutants are a different species, meaning that Xavier has had sex with members of at least three species. He’s a kinky guy that Xavier. There’s also a delicious little joke about how Medusa never lets Black Bolt get a word in (Bendis and Reed are funny guys, oh yes they are). The dialogue here is that faux-realistic style that reminds you of how people talk, but isn’t actually how people talk. It’s also not how any of these characters have ever really talked. But, whatever, it’s at least interesting.

The part that caught my eye in particular came when Reed discusses his relationship with Sue and the fact that she has that habit of just leaving him to . . . does she actually fuck Namor? Has that ever been explicitly stated? I’ve always found that part of the Richards’ relationship problematic and very dysfunctional, especially when one of the big selling points of the Fantastic Four is that they’re a strong, tightly-knit family.

Except the mom may be fucking some guy on the side. Wholesome, no?

I reread the Waid/Wieringo run on Fantastic Four this weekend and noticed that Waid never did that. The closest he came to bringing up the idea that Sue will use Namor to get attention is in some back-up stories where Reed then does something similar with an ex-girlfriend, showing that maybe, you know, that sort of behaviour isn’t acceptable. Is Reed a dick? Yeah, but to just walk out and go see some other guy, that’s pretty cold and not at all healthy.

This scene, though, does something odd in that it normalises it. Reed states what happens as fact and doesn’t seem all that upset until Namor confronts him. It’s like Reed doesn’t blame Sue, he blames Namor. Or he doesn’t blame anyone. Namor tells Reed that Sue will never leave him for good and Reed responds that he knows that. Is Reed okay with Sue sleeping with Namor? Does Marvel’s First Family have an open relationship?

Am I the only one who finds this very, very fucked up?

That’s the first four pages of this comic. The remainder deals with Noh-Varr. I went in with a bias, knowing that B&R would fuck it up. They had to work hard to win me over and, fuck, it seems like they didn’t try. Much like the rest of the series, instead of working between the moments and with existing stories, B&R seem more content to alter what happened to fit their goals.

I can spot a few problems with the treatment of Noh-Varr on the first page he’s discussed. Now, I am saying these are problems in the sense that they do not jive with what is previously known about the character (actually, one is just a stupid mistake where the characters contradict themselves within the span of thirty seconds). These contradictions may very well be purposeful on the part of B&R, so let’s bear that in mind.

1) Noh-Varr was never called “Marvel Boy.” No one said those two words together in Marvel Boy. That was the title of the series, not the character, but Tony Stark calls him that.

2) Noh-Varr is Kree, but not from the Kree Empire of this universe. He’s from another universe. Now, it’s easy to see why these six idiots would make that mistake. They hear he’s Kree, they assume he’s their Kree, but later in the issue, Noh-Varr discusses Mar-Vell and the Kree/Skrull war as if he’s this Kree rather than another Kree. He wouldn’t know who the fuck Mar-Vell is and would especially not know that he’s considered a traitor. Of course, maybe he knows that because of his learning the history of humankind, which he may have done. He may even go so far as to relate to the Kree of this universe and consider him a traitor as well. That is possible. So, this may not be a mistake or a purposeful change, just something based on a few assumptions. Maybe. Although, Noh-Varr references the Kree empire in a way that suggests this isn’t the case. It’s subtle, but when we saw him before he was imprisoned, his intention was to recreate his Kree empire, not align himself with this one, because, based on what I know about it, it’s just as backwards and prehistoric as Earth is, really. Yes, it is more advanced, but not by much. It’s like saying people of the 1800s are more advanced than those of the 500s. When compared to someone from the year 5000, they both look relatively similarly barbaric. This is how I would suspect Noh-Varr would view the Kree of the Marvel universe. So, yeah, let’s call this a mistake, alright?

3) Tony: “...AND HAS DECLARED WAR ON MANKIND.” Thirty seconds later, Namor: “HE DECLARED WAR ON THE EARTH.” Tony: “YES.” Dr. Strange: “ALL OF IT?” Tony: “WELL, YES.” Can anyone spot where the problem is? Tony himself says that Noh-Varr declared war on humanity, not the Earth. In fact, haven’t at least two members of the Illuminati done the same thing? Namor is the most eager to “BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM” (or, it’s censored, but we all know what he’s saying) when he’s declared war on humanity, what, a good half-dozen times? This mistake I just find funny, because it’s a mistake that happens in plain sight and isn’t based exclusively on knowing what happened in Marvel Boy.

The rest of the issue is a laughably lame attempt by the members of the Illuminati to make peace with Noh-Varr by having Namor beat on him a bit, while the others make some speeches about how the Kree want to protect the Earth and how Noh-Varr should become the new Captain Marvel. Oh, they don’t say that, but, come on, it’s heavily implied.

Noh-Varr has very little character here beyond the most superficial of his asshole-like nature. He swears and has the ever-so-witty line where he tells Namor to put on some pants. Mostly, he just keeps asking what’s going on and has little respect for these people. All in line, technically, with his past, but not. It reads as if written by writers who missed the point and took only the most superficial elements from that series. I actually have a hard time believing Noh-Varr would remain so docile and questioning for so long; why wouldn’t he act more? Yes, there is surprise, at first, but beyond that? Hell, he barely gives Namor a fight, when, really, his physiology places him in a position to handle Namor, especially any of the hits Namor lands. Frankly, we’ve seen Namor get beat on worse and take it much better.

Of course, my ultimate problem is that I don’t think they should use the character. That’s a petty and unreasonable position, but that’s how it is. Nothing here (or in Noh-Varr’s other non-Marvel Boy appearance) shows that these writers have the skill or understanding to write this character without taking away the unique and interesting qualities in an effort to force him into pre-existing situations. I’ve argued that Noh-Varr is a character specifically of the current “age” of comics in that he builds upon what has come before and is more advanced than these characters. He comes from a society that is beyond this one by millennia. At least. He can’t work in stories with them, because he is better than them. He’s defeated versions of almost every Silver Age Marvel hero, himself being an updated Spider-Man (a more realistic Spider-Man, in my opinion).

Here, he’s just another alien invader that isn’t really a threat and will be converted to the opinion that the species he looked upon as barbaric and pre-civilised is somehow worth fighting for. It is unoriginal, mundane, typical, clichéd, boring, but, most of all, it’s completely and utterly unsurprising. It’s everything Marvel Boy was not, basically.

But, let us sum up in a dispassionate, detached manner:

This was a poorly written comic book in nearly every way. There is little story, little character advancement, and little point. It relies on prior knowledge, but contradicts all prior knowledge. It contains an opening and ending that does not actually fit any previous portrayal of these characters, and also breaks with the established flow of the series, and does not tie in thematically with the rest of the issue. There is no sense of unity or completeness. I honestly cannot see any purpose to this comic except setting up Noh-Varr to take over the Captain Marvel mantle, but it does so in a clumsy, inelegant manner that is neither convincing nor logical. As well, the cover of the issue has nothing to do with the contents except for the fact that these women are discussed briefly. That may be a minor problem for some, but it bothers me, because that makes the highly static and uninteresting cover not just those two things, but also a manner of false advertising, telling the potential reader that the comic is about one thing, but then is actually about something else entirely. I understand that the cover image is a play on a similar image featuring the members of the Illuminati, but the similarity is useless if not actually built upon in the issue. The entire thing is rather useless and, in that way, is indicative of the entire series up to this point: half-formed ideas that do contain potential, but go nowhere. It does not raise hopes for the fifth, and final, issue where the Illuminati is discovered.

I bought comics.

I bought comics today. Not a whole hell of a lot of comics, but comics.

Black Summer #0

"Really the first part" . . . "Simplistic politics" . . . "Wait and see" . . .

Paraphrasing other reviews I've read. And, yeah, they're right. This zero issue is actually the first part of the story, so don't wait for issue one--although, I would say that having issue one coming out in August isn't necessarily the best move. A superhero kills the president, the VP and various advisors for committing crimes. And, yeah, those politics are pretty standard/simplistic/whatever, but I get the sense that this is just a jumping off point. I really enjoyed this little teaser/first part of the story.

New Avengers: Illuminati #3

ZOMG!!!!!!!

Oh, wait, I don't actually consider this revelation to actually mean much right now. Maybe it will connect up when this big story Bendis is currently rolling out actually, you know, rolls out, but I was left wondering why I should give a fuck. I'm not offended by this little retcon, because, COME ON, it's retconning a shitty z-lister who hasn't done shit-all since the fucking '80s. Who gives a fuck?

Next issue is Noh-Varr, though. I'll be more critical then.

New Avengers #31

One thing I was wondering: when did Spider-Man stop being funny? Actually, was he EVER funny? I mean, REALLY funny. Seriously, was he ever, because I can't remember anything him saying being that funny? (Well, except for the "Action is my reward, too." line from Punisher War Journal #1--that was fucking genius.) I only ask this for this issue because I read somewhere that Spider-Man's "banter" is funny in this issue. Oh, sure, it's ALMOST funny . . . for a Marvel comic. And that's something, I guess. This is the same place that publishes that Cable and Deadpool book that some people claim is funny, but I've never been able to figure out where I'm supposed to laugh. I do remember laughing a few times at the old Deadpool series, though, so I do know it's possible for these comics to be funny, but I can't remember Spider-Man ever being funny really. He's always said something that approaches funny and, I guess, would lighten the mood while fighting an army of ninjas, but . . . am I alone here?

Oh, and everything as we know it changes! I'm actually mre intrigued than I let on.

Deathblow #5

See my comments on every issue before this one. I would wait for the trade, but I always see the new issue and figure what the fuck. I'm liking it, but I'm also avoiding asking any Big Questions.

Criminal #6

This is probably the strongest issue of the series so far--which is saying a lot. The third person narration Brubaker uses works quite well, telling us what we need to know when we need to know it--but also setting the mood. The temporal jumps also work to give us what we need to know when we need to know it, and also engage us. Phillips sticks to a very straight-forward layout on these pages; all have three tiers and read in a very linear fashion. This works with the dialogue and narration for a strong sense of pacing, which both encourages a smooth reading experience, but also (somehow) causes you to slow down a little bit.

The basic plot is Tracy Lawless gets out of the army, finds out his brother died/was killed a year back and heads back to the city to find out what happened. Except, Brubaker and Phillips make it far more interesting.

Hellblazer: Reasons to be Cheerful

When I first started reading Mike Carey's run on this book in trades, I wasn't that impressed. His stuff was alright, but nothing special. But, with the final story of the previous volume and the shit he does here . . . for the first time in my experience with Constantine, I'm actually worried about and for the guy. My experience isn't that extensive, mostly limited to Ellis and Azzarello's runs--but they always gave the impression of John being in control, even when he was being fucked. Carey, though, has me convinced that John is fucked, pure and simple.

At the end of the previous volume, John lived in some dream where he fathered three children with a demon and now those kids are in the real world, killing off people near and dear to good old Johnny. And he's not exactly with it, because he's still trying to wrap his head around the forty years he spent in that little dream that was really only just a day--and the fact that he's spawned evil demon children.

Sadly, Vertigo's schedule for these trades is kind of fucked, so I already know what happens AFTER Carey's run because I've read the first one from Denise Mina's time on the book. Actally, I figured out that they could probably kill a solid year publishing one Hellblazer trade per month to catch up on all of the uncollected material.

Tomorrow: I also received in the mail today Marvel's Civil War trade and DC's Infinte Crisis hardcover, and I will tell you which seven-issue, universe-shaking event series truly is the best. I do tell you that DC is already ahead because of Marvel's price-gouging. Seriously: same US cover price, but Civil War is six bucks more in Canadian dollars. The fuck?

Random Reading: A Shitload of Books for Break Week Part 2 . . . BRIAN MICHAEL BENDIS AND THE NEW AVENGERS!

Another day, another five books. Today, we take a look at Brian Michael Bendis and that plucky little group of his, the New Avengers.

New Avengers #21-22, 26-27

“PEOPLE, FRIENDS OF OURS, OUR BROTHERS, ARE GOING TO GET HURT BECAUSE YOU WON’T PLAY BALL.”--Hank Pym, in conversation with Captain America, New Avengers #21

I haven’t read Civil War #7, but I’m thinking the fact that the reasons Captain America surrenders for were an argument used against him right from the get-go is a reason why people think it’s shit. Just saying.

Moving on . . .

I don’t know why, but I think I’m going to buy New Avengers and possibly Mighty Avengers from now on. I find it odd since the three issues of the series I bought, and reviewed here, didn’t really wow me. But, I feel compelled somehow.

I figured I would start by getting the two Civil War issues I missed. Especially since I only heard great things about the Luke Cage one.

#21, which features Captain America has Cap as a paranoid crazy guy, convinced the Falcon is going to kill him. So, obviously, once he knows that the Falcon is cool, he tries to recruit Hank Pym in Avengers fucking Tower. Because, you know, Captain America is a fucking retard.

One minute, he’s paranoid his sometimes partner is going to betray him and the next, he’s visiting the headquarters of the other side. He is a master strategist, of course.

In issue 22, Luke Cage makes the best argument against the registration act--namely that it has the government rounding up people because they’re different. Same argument used a shitload of times in the X-titles. But, rather effective here. Tony Stark is an asshole again.

The issue really only holds up for the first few pages before it becomes Luke Cage versus SHIELD. But, it’s a good issue.

Issue 26 answers the all-important question: where’s Hawkeye? I’ll tell you where: fucking an amnesiac Scarlet Witch. Hawkeye is the fucking man. You wish you were Hawkeye.

That brings us to post-Civil War New Avengers #27 where . . . okay, wait. This Echo lady is described as deaf, right? But then how come it seems like she can hear? She eavesdrops on Japanese gangsters and then understands Ronin while his mask is on (I did notice how Spider-Man lifted his mask, so you could make the whole lip-reading argument). So, she’s a deaf lady who can hear? Isn’t that like how Daredevil is a blind man who can basically see? Comics are fucked up sometimes.

Anyway, Echo was dressed up as Ronin and trying to take down some Japanese mafia shit and ends up getting killed by Elektra and the Hand. And then resurrected. While being brainwashed, the new New Avengers show up and rescue her. And Luke Cage kicks Elektra in the crotch. Because Luke Cage is hardcore.

The issue is decent. It’s got some nice banter (much to Iron Fist’s chagrin) and some good action scenes. It really just presents the question of who the new Ronin is. He/she has four lines. And according to the solicitations, we’ll find out who’s beneath the mask in a few issues. I, honestly, don’t really care. It’s someone who says “Yo,” though. And that’s how the internet broke in half.

New Avengers: Illuminati #2

Why is it that every time these guys get together, it seems like one of them is all “Hey, guys, we’re going to make sure Earth is safe” and the others go “But, that’s too much! We can’t do that! Who are we to do such a thing?”

This is the secret group that got together to do shit like this and then whines about having to do it every goddamn time. It’s the second issue (well, third, in a way) and I’m already sick of these assholes.

In this issue, they’re all pissed off because Reed has been collecting the infinity gems because he’s sick of some alien dickhead getting them together and making people disappear and shit. Um, doesn’t that sound like the smart thing to do?

I’m beginning to think that Namor is just a little whiney bitch. Every comic I see him in, he’s whining about something. It doesn’t matter what it is or who it is, he’s always gotta whine about how he doesn’t agree. "Whah whah whah! The humans are mean to the Atlanteans! Whah whah whah! The Atlanteans are mean to the humans! Whah whah whah! I don't fit in on the surface or in the ocean! Sue won't fuck me! The Avengers don't like me! No one likes me because I keep switching sides! Whah whah wha!" Namor is a fucking asshole and I’m surprised Reed hasn’t killed him yet. Seriously.

In the end, Reed has the infinity gauntlet and everyone, including the Watcher, is all “Reed, you can’t have that! No human should!” and like an idiot, he listens. Smartest guy in the fucking world there, people. Why not let him make a few things better while he’s God? That’s just me spit-balling here. Me using my brain.

Did enjoy the Watcher basically giving Reed the “I’m very disappointed in you” speech. Fucking take THAT, Mr. Fantastic!

And the issue ends with Professor X looking all ominous. Dun dun DUN!

Tomorrow: random mature readers books!

Random Reading: A Whole Lotta Stuff

Mostly a positive post this time, because the majority of the stuff I got today is from my pull list--and I don't keep buying stuff I think is crap (usually). So, let's get on with it:

The Boys #5

I've actually been enjoying this title more than I thought I would. The first issue didn't hook me right away, but subsequent issues have done a better job. You know why this book works? Garth Ennis has never been the over-the-top writer people like to label him. Yeah, those elements are there, but there's also a strong sense of humanity that grounds everything he does. Do you think Preacher would have worked without the relationships between Jesse, Tupil, and Cassidy? Hell, my favourite moments from that book were the emotionally-driven stuff.

Same here. Yeah, there's the fucking with superheroes stuff, but Ennis is very wisely keeping all of that grounded with Hughie, a very likable and relatable character that puts everything into perspective.

This issue ups the ante as the Boys fuck with Teenage Kix more and leads into a confrontation between the two groups that will play out in the next issue. Looking forward to that--finally seeing what this group can do, especially the Female.

Desolation Jones #8

What I said about Ennis? Same goes for Ellis, by the way. But people never pay attention to that--which is why people who rip-off Ellis and Ennis always fail, the same way people who ripped off Dark Knight Returns and Watchmen produced utter crap.

Jones is probably the most damaged character Ellis has created so far. Every issue, we get a new bit of information that makes you pity him and kind of hope in his next confrontation, someone will put a bullet in his skull just to end his miserable life.

But, not really, because we all want to see Jones find out what happened to his old spy buddy. Typical of the series, the issue is slow, but probably gives far more information than we realise now. Lots of Philip K. Dick stuff, too, which I love.

Still on the fence over Danijel Zezelj's art--but that's probably because following Williams III is a damn difficult task.

Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. #10

Holy fucking shit, Stuart Immonen is a great artist. Wow. Five styles featured here, all great.

Not much to say here. Another great issue. Either you get it--and love it, or you don't--and hate it. The ending was a little obvious, but who cares? I don't.

The Stan Lee and Jack Kirby "Easter Island" heads in the Captain's alternate life is a nice touch.

newuniversal #1

Speaking of great art, when did Salvador Larroca actually get good? Last time I saw his art was in a Peter Milligan-penned issue of X-Men and it was butt-fucking-ugly. Flat, uninspired and covered with shitty, shitty, shitty, SHITTY digital painting or something. So, I open up this comic and suddenly, Larroca's art was depth and . . . well, is good. Surprise, I guess.

The story itself is alright. Not much to go on here. Various people, white event, superpowers, yay. Nothing to rock my socks off.

Casanova #6

I've only read this issue once, so I got, like, a third of what was going on. The third I got? Loved. My words cannot sum up how awesome this book is. In the Previews for February (I think), there's a solicitation for a set of all seven issues of this first volume: BUY IT (unless you've been buying this book). It's cheap and would still be a steal if it were double the price. But, so I actually say something:

Russian missile silo, robots with the same brains meet, fake girly group assassins, undercover superspy fashion photographer, BIGFUCKINGBOOM!, giant Japanese robot.

Plus, much MUCH more. Buy the book.

Punisher War Journal #1

More Matt Fraction? Hells yes.

Really enjoyed this. The Punisher here isn't the Punisher in Ennis' book. He's a bit more cartoony, but it works because he's in a cartoony world. Lots of great moments here, but one bit made me laugh for, like, two minutes solid. A huge fucking bellylaugh with tears and everything. It's after Punisher saves Spider-Man in the sewers and Spider-Man (totally out of it) says he needs to hit an ATM to pay for the ride and Punisher says it's free and Spider-Man says:

"OH, AWESOME. ACTION IS MY REWARD, TOO."

I love Matt Fraction.

The Immortal Iron Fist #1

Ever MORE Matt Fraction? With Ed Brubaker? Life is good, sometimes.

I can't think of anything I didn't dig about this comic. It did everything a first issue should do: tell us what we need to know about a character, give a kickass story, and set things up for the future of the book. Plus, David Aja's art is amazingly gorgeous.

My only complaint is that, well, there's an ad for this issue in the issue. That's just not right. I generally don't pay attention to ads, but advertising for the comic I'm reading while I'm reading it? Kind of stupid, Marvel.

Criminal #3

A little breather of an issue. Mostly character development and slight plot movement. But, it works really well. Solid all around.

New Avengers: Illuminati #1

Yeah, I'm going to buy this series pretty much because I dig the concept--and issue four is "Marvel Boy issue" and, as we all know, I'm a Marvel Boy geek. Shut up.

As for this issue, it is all kinds of mediocre. The one cool moment, where Black Bolt speaks and blows the fuck out of the Skrull's main ship? Yeah, taken away when we discover that SOMEHOW the king of the Skrulls, who was ten feet away, was somehow not killed. The fuck? Yeah, a voice powerful enough to blow up a giant spaceship doesn't kill a guy ten feet away? How does that work, exactly?

Utterly mediocre. I hope future issues step it up a bit.

Gødland #14

Am I the only one reading this book who feels like every issue is a strange remix of a Kirby-drawn comic where the old word balloons have been replaced with new ones?

Not much happens here, which is a pretty bad thing considering this is the second issue back after the little three-month hiatus the book took. The first issue back had all sorts of action and fun, but this one? Snoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooozefest. I love the book and even I found it boring. I read this book for action, snappy dialogue and mindless (but smart) fun. This issue was lacking.

All-Star Superman #3-5

And now we get to the third thing that everyone else seems to love, but I don't (the first two being Jim Lee's art and DC: New Frontier). I still can't figure out why. Normally, Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely means I'm so fucking hard that a slight breeze will push me over the edge (or, something a lot less graphic and over-the-top). All-Star Superman leaves me cold.

In issue three, Lois Lane is given Superman's powers and . . . well, does nothing with them. Instead, she flirts with other superguys (one of whom looks exactly like Superman, just with longer hair) to make Superman jealous.

In issue four, Jimmy Olsen is all cool and saves the world or something.

In issue five, Lex Luthor is all evil and tells us how he killed Superman in issue one on purpose.

All full of mad ideas and lots of Silver Age-esque fun--except it's not the, you know, Silver Age anymore and I just don't give a fuck. The only thing that did anything for me was in issue four where Olsen becomes Doomsday. There's an interesting idea.

I think my problem is that I've seen Morrison do much, MUCH more with the character in his JLA run. Hell, his Lex Luthor there was at least interesting. This version is a flat, one-note character. Every character is. It's all surface here, nothing more. And DC has recently released multiple volumes of Superman-related Showcase reprints full of that stuff.

(Actually, flipping through the issues again, issue four pointed to something that's bothered me about the Superman titles: we have Perry White praising Clark Kent for his journalism--except, we never see him do any. Ever. Anywhere. That's always bothered me.)

Civil Wardrobe

I saw this and figured I'd give it a look. I laughed once. That says it all.

Punisher: From First to Last

A trio of Punisher MAX specials . . . faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantastic.

The art in all three is lovely. The writing is great, too.

The first story, "The Tyger" gives us Castle's first killing as the Punisher and part of his childhood where he sees various examples of people getting "justice" of one form or another through violence.

The second story, "The Cell" has Castle getting himself thrown in jail so he can kill a group of mobsters. This is mostly a bunch of violence, but done well--and showcases how good he is at what he does.

The last story, "The End" is one in a series of stories Marvel has put out about the possible end of a hero/group of heroes' careers/lives. Instead of some extended bullshit like Claremont's ending for the X-Men, Ennis gives us a story of Castle killing the last people on earth because they are utter fucking bastards. Pure and simple.

Makes for a great last-minute gift for a comic fan, I think.

And that does it for 2006 most likely. Merry Christmas, happy new year, happy all those other holidays and blah blah blah.

Random Reading: Ms. Marvel #7 and Hellblazer: Empathy is the Enemy

Discovered that the 7-11 right by campus sells comics, so I'll probably hit random Marvel titles over the next while that way--what is it with every store selling just Marvel comics? The bookstore, 7-11, the Mac's near my house . . . all Marvel, no DC. How odd.

Ms. Marvel #7

Another "Civil War" book, except it's a pro-registration one. And Iron Man still comes off as a dick. Seriously. I find that funny. In this whole thing, no matter WHAT side is presented, Iron Man is a dick. "Civil War" should be subtitled "Everybody Hates Tony."

Hell, while we're at it, let's look at the pro-registration side we've got here. The last experience I had with Ms. Marvel was back in Kurt Busiek and George Perez's Avengers run where she was drunk off her ass and got booted from the Avengers for trying to save the world drunk. Apparently she's sober now and has, well, no personality as far as I can tell.

She's one of the heroes who's sided with Iron Man, along with Wonder Man and the hero formerly known as Spider-Woman, but is now Arachne, I'm assuming, because Bendis decided he liked the original Spider-Woman and that meant someone had to change their name.

The plot of this issue is pretty boring. Teenage spider-themed hero Arana is brought in by the Amazingly-Named Duo while her father is all "This is America, you can't just arrest people for no reason!" And she decides to register. Yay.

Meanwhile, Arachne is on the run with her boyfriend, Shroud, who she was supposed to arrest (seriously, why would you send the guy's girlfriend to arrest them besides wanting to set up a fugitive story?). They steal some clothes and a car and have an argument about going to Colorado to get her daughter, all the while being tracked by S.H.I.E.L.D. Fools!

And now we get to Iron Man's a dick time: a big meeting is called and Ms. Marvel brings the Spider-Girl chick with her and Iron Man's all like "This is big time classified government business, so if she fucks it up, your ass is grass!" and Ms. Marvel is all like "No shit, asshole." So they're all sent to capture the fugitives in the green car, which means the top secret classified info is suddenly a big fucking fight on a freeway where the trained superheroes cause a bunch of civilian cars to crash. Yeah, the "professionals" sure are great at what they do.

It ends with Shroud all captured and Ex-Spider-Woman riding atop a big rig in a "Dazzler" t-shirt. Oooh, I can't wait for next issue!

For a pro-registration book, I came away thinking that side was full of even bigger idiots than I did going into it. Let's see, they abduct teenage girls, their best heroes are Ms. Marvel and Wonder Man, Iron Man is a dick to his own people, they sent one of their heroes to arrest her lover and are surprised when she decides to take off with him, they claim to be trained professionals but cause just as much carnage and civilian destruction as always, and they can't even catch someone so lame she couldn't even hold onto the name "Spider-Woman."

*claps slowly* Bravo, Marvel. Not too obvious which side you're on.

John Constantine, Hellblazer: Empathy is the Enemy

I've been waiting for this to come out for a while. Usually two or three times a week, I would check the bookstore's website to see if it had come in yet. I blame Warren Ellis for getting me into Constantine and loving to see how different writers do him. Now, I am torn about Vertigo's decision to release the first collection from Denise Mina's run before fully collecting Mike Carey's run--although, it looks like they will be collecting both at the same time, which is odd. But, I do understand why they've done it. It's obvious, just looking at the cover where Mina's name is the biggest type except for the word Constantine. Mina is a well-known crime novelist, so trying to sell the book with her name is smart--and Hellblazer is one of the few books in the mainstream where I could see people picking up more collections (and liking them). It seems in all the rush to give people every other Vertigo book under the sun, people always forget about this one even though, it tends to be one of the best-written titles they have at any given time. Because everyone who grew up east of the Atlantic in the mainstream worships old Johnny boy the way the rest of us cream our jeans over Spider-Man, but with more respect and reverence, the quality never dips too far.

In this book, Constantine has a problem. He helped a guy out by wiping his memory, but that meant taking on the problem himself, which is feeling empathy. So much empathy for everyone that it hurts so much you want to kill yourself. But, Constantine is a bit of a bastard naturally, so he can handle it, right?

Peppered throughout his journey to find out how the guy got his name and what it all means are flashbacks to various points in the past, beginning with 6th century and some monks building a monastery on an island near Scotland. They sacrifice one of their own as part of the custom, but three days later, one of them receives a vision from God to dig him up--and they find that he isn't dead. The not-dead monk tells them about how Heaven and Hell aren't what they think they are and they've got it all wrong, so everyone assumes he's a puppet of Satan and buries him alive.

What it comes down to is that there is a third place that has been taking the souls of the dead and a cult wants to shut it down by creating an empathy engine that will make everyone love one another and they want Constantine to willingly sacrifice his life to make it happen. And the bastard does.

The story is engaging, is well-structured, always giving the reader new information, but not too much. It does jump around a bit near the beginning, but that's to be expected since this is Mina's first comic work and no one gets a handle on the mechanics right away.

The art is also fantastic. Leonardo Manco has long been a favourite of mine and his style is perfect for a horror book like this.

The only downside is that there are a few spoilers of what happens in Mike Carey's run for anyone who has been following that only in trades (like me). Big details that are shocks, but also don't actually tell you WHAT happened, if you get me. In a way, the spoilers just make me want to read the next few collections of the Carey run even more now.

As for Mina's John Constantine, I like him. He's a bit too nice and engaging for much of the story, but that's because he feels empathy towards everyone. The John at the very end is one we all know and love, and makes me want to read the next collection of this run as well.

One problem I saw with this collection is that I'm never told anything about Denise Mina aside from the "Author of . . ." blurb under her name on the cover, nor are there any of the usual promo pages that list the other Hellblazer collections available. If the goal of this trade, as I figure, is partly to bring in Mina's readers, pointing them to specific titles would be beneficial and every other trade on the planet usually has bios of creators, so why not here? The only person who gets any bio is Ian Rankin following his introduction. Odd.

But, it's a good read with a fantastic ending. Pick it up.