[It's been well over a year since my last post on this book, but I figured I should finish it up. This post refers to pages 403-560 of the volume, covering Action Comics #254-257 and Superman #130-133.]
The general focus of my reading of this volume has been focused on the odd plots and instances where Superman lies. Seriously, that guy seems incapable of telling the truth. It's kind of odd that he's supposed to be so heroic and noble, but constantly lies. Let's see what he makes up in these eight issues... (Actually these eight issues weren't nearly as messed up as previous ones.)
* In an effort to protect himself from Kryptonite, Superman once made himself a lead suit to wear. Except, of course, he can't see through lead and couldn't leave any holes to see since the radiation would get in... so he flew around in the thing and almost caused a plane to crash, because he's a goddamn moron.
* He also once magically recovered from Kryptonite radiation poisoning. No medical evidence given.
* He taught his robot duplicates to lie about the effects of Kryptonite.
* When a criminal tricks Superman into granting him six wishes, his first wish is for the biggest diamond in the world, so Superman brings him a baseball diamond. The criminal, enraged, says that he meant diamond as in ice. He wants ice and, after Superman leaves, says, "WHAT ELSE COULD ICE MEAN?" Yeeeeeeah.
* There's a town called Cyrusville where Superman is not allowed. They have policemen on guard to keep him out. Superman is so pissed off that he can't help but investigate the whole thing in disguise as Kent Clark--an original thinker, he sure is.
* Mr. Mxyzptlk needs a warning buzzer to alert him whenever he begins to spell/say his name backwards.
* In the future, Superman will make a stack of pancakes for his wife at super-speed... somehow his powers allow stoves to cook pancakes faster.
* A Bizarro copy of Bizarro is a mentally challenged Superman...
* Superman pretends to be Ultra-Superman from the year 100,000 and then uses his "future knowledge" to try and fail to prevet three disasters that result in destroying a major bridge, a naval vessel and an undersea dome in an effort to prevent a plot to kill the president... instead of just arresting the plotters. Why use logic when a retarded lie and tons of destruction will work just as well?
* Lex Luthor uses a raygun to give Clark Kent superpowers in an effort to see if there will be any side-effects. If there aren't, Luthor will use the gun on himself and escape from prison... instead of sticking Luthor in solitary confinement or something logical, Clark uses his powers to accumulate a massive amount of wealth, piss everyone off and then donate to charity as a supposed side-effect of the raygun.
* For an article, Clark spends three days as a policeman and gets the badge of a retired cop. He accidentally gets shot, but is unharmed... so the police chief's first thought is that Clark is wearing a lucky badge. Clark, of course, encourages this insanity and continually lies in order to make the badge seem lucky.
* We also get to see how Clark came to work at the Daily Planet. He needed a job because it would look suspicious for Clark Kent to have money and not work, so why not be a reporter? Perry White, of course, sees him as an unqualified doofus and tries to send him packing, but Lois likes his moxy, so... he's given several assignments that should be boring, but through lies and manipulation, Clark manages to make exciting. Until the final assignment: get a picture of Superman holding some Kryptonite... what? What the hell is wrong with Perry White? "Your assignment is to poison someone and photgraph it!" But, Clark fakes it and gets a job.
* Superman is an alien and can't run for president (as a previous issue told us), but he can apparently be drafted into the armed forces. He then proceeds to be a total dick and is quickly promoted to general whereupon he walks past his former commanding officer at superspeed, forcing said officer to continually raise and lower his arm to salute General Superman until the guy's arm needs to be put in a sling.
Sadly, not the most exciting stories, but they do continue to revolve around Superman's utter lack of logical thinking, his giant ego, and his inability to tell the truth when a complicated lie will do the job... at the expense of time and property, of course.
Still, I much prefered Showcase Presents Shazam!...
(Previous posts can be read by using the "showcase presents" tag...)
Showing posts with label superman is a lying bastard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label superman is a lying bastard. Show all posts
Friday, November 21, 2008
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Showcase Presents Superman Vol. 1 (Part Three)
I haven't posted about this book since March, but I've slogged through another 200 pages and, Christ, some of this is pretty messed up.
* Criminals buy an island, turn it into a replica of Krypton, advertise it, get people to move there . . . all so they can trick Superman into turning a dozen pieces of coal into diamonds. I kept waiting for the guy in charge to go, "Hey, wait a minute, our insanely retarded scheme is making us rich legally, fuck this shit!"
* Superman's now-dead adopted parents use a time machine to visit him. So, Superman takes them to his Fortress of Solitude where he shows off his various cool things like his lava swimming pool, his pet alien dinosaur and his lame robots. All goes well until the Kents find a room "IN MEMORY OF THE PARENTS OF SUPERMAN" and get all jealous until Superman shows them the "IN MEMORY OF THE EARTH PARENTS OF SUPERMAN" room, which has the whole family eating dinner, but Clark in his Superboy costume. Once again, we see that Superman's Fortress of Solitude is really some weird museum that Superman has built for after he dies.
Later in the issue, the Kents are all at Clark's apartment when Lois shows up with a pie. Before she enters, Clark uses his x-ray vision to see that it's her and calls her the girl he may marry someday. Upon her entering, he's glad she's brought a pie so the Kents can judge if she's a good cook, which leads to the following:
Pa Kent: UMMM... DELICIOUS! LOIS WOULD MAKE A FINE WIFE FOR ANY MAN! CLARK, WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER TO MARRY YOU?
Clark (thought balloon): DAD'S GETTING ACROSS THAT THEY APPROVE OF LOIS BEING MY WIFE SOMEDAY!
Two things: 1. Lois is sitting right there, you old bastard! Totally embarrassing. 2. Clark Kent = master of the obvious.
When Clark sees a problem, he tells his dad to help get rid of Lois, so the old guy spills hot coffee on her. After both Lois and Clark leave, we learn that these aren't the Kents, but people dressed as the Kents who figured out that they were Superman's adopted parents by researching the records in Smallville. Yeah, these con artists are better journalists than everyone else on the planet. And then later, they blackmail Superman and he defeats them in a totally lame way.
* Superman gets amnesia and forgets his secret identity. Eventually, he learns that it's Clark Kent after pretending to be a blonde British guy who takes Clark's job while Clark is on vacation. Superman learns of his real secret identity by flying faster than light and using a special lens to see him change on Earth in the past.He then uses the fake British identity to fool Lois into thinking THAT was his secret identity all along. He never actually regains his memory.
* Superman shows up at some pseudo-mystic magician's act and exposes all of his tricks, because he's a dick.
* When Lois uglies herself up to get out of a blind date the same night she has a date with Superman, Superman does the same by pretending his real face is that of Alfred E. Newman, beloved Mad Magazine mascot. Lois is heartbroken and stays with him, but can only become sexually aroused by imaging Superman is still good looking. Weird irony: uglied-up Lois is hotter than regular Lois. She's got cool messed up hair, glasses and a wacky dress. Totally alternative chic.
* Superman discovers an uncharted island off the coast of Metropolis where evil people have been enslaving sailors to work on some secret "Project X." Instead of just saving all of these innocents from horrible slavery, Superman goes undercover as Clark Kent and gets taken prisoner. But, OH NOES(!), Jimmy snuck aboard Clark's ship and is emprisoned as well. The rest of the issue has Jimmy and the other slaves get fucked over by Superman again and again. Clark makes his iron ball and chain light as a feather: no more food for anyone. Jimmy figures out a way to escape is basically free, but that could mean fucking up Superman's lame plan, so he makes sure Jimmy gets caught and sentenced to death. After Superman saves Jimmy from being shot, the villains stick him in a rocket (which is Project X) and when it fails to launch, Superman throws it into space. All so he could fuck it up and convince the bad guys their plan was shit to begin with.
So, instead of just stopping the bad guys, he let's people work hard labour, starve, think they're going to die and get shot into space. Superman is such a dick.
There's also the part of the issue where Superman calls his costume indestructable, but then manages to pull various threads from it. The fuck?
* Clark Kent gets blown up, so Superman let's everyone think he's dead. Because Lois is so heartbroken, he takes her to dinner. He then moves in with Jimmy Olsen, which causes all sorts of problem when people realise that Superman lives there. Days later, Lois is still mourning Clark, but all Superman can think about is "Oh no, people want me to do stuff! Wah-wah-wah!" He eventually tricks everyone into thinking Clark somehow survived because he's learned the value of having a secret identity.
* Some random dude is upset because it's some weird day at his son's school where dad's wear costumes that they wore while performing a heroic deed and he's done nothing--so he decides to pretend he's Superman. His wife convinces him that his son will eventually learn the truth and it will fuck him up for life, but before he can get out of the costume, trouble errupts . . . RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE! There's a giant robot carrying a stick of dynamite and it yells:
"RUN, EVERYONE! I... THROW... DYNAMITE!"
Coolest robot ever. So, the bad guys take Clark Kent as a hostage and think this idiot is Superman. They want him to help them find some loot their dead boss hid in a museum. Cue various scenes of Clark secretly helping this guy pretend he's Superman and the day is eventually saved with the guy's son all impressed because his dad saved the day WITHOUT superpowers, which is totally cooler than Superman.
* So, there's an ape called Toot that's shot into space, hit with radiation and when it comes back, immediately becomes giant and shoots Kryptonite radiation from its eyes. Lois renames it Titano after it gropes her.
* Lex Luthor turns all of the lead in the world into glass. This fact is promptly ignored in future stories.
* Clark goes on a talk show where the host brings forth huge amounts of evidence that Clark Kent is Superman and Clark lies over and over again, even while hooked up to a lie detector. Lois is upset that this guy may prove Clark is Superman, something she's failed to prove for years.
* Men from the year 2000 (named Vard and Boka) show up and accuse Superman of being a criminal. Naturally, everyone believes them. They capture Superman, take him to the future and then reveal that in the future, all of the oceans have dried up, but they have a plan: Superman will take two of Saturn's moon, which are made of "frozen snow" and use them to bring water back to Earth. For billions of dollars!
When Superman saves the day and returns to his time, Lois doesn't "KNOW WHETHER OR BE GLAD OR ANGRY TO SEE YOU BACK SO SOON!" because she and Perry were just about to listen to a tape Superman left them in case he was taken to the future and it has all of his secrets. After she says this, Superman has that "I will fucking hit you, bitch" look on his face and tells her she better be glad he's back.
* Clark is turned into an old man for three days. During this time, he pretends to be the Old Man of the Sea and Father Time to avoid exposing his secret identity. When returned to normal, Lois takes him to see the musical version of Rip Van Winkle, the story of a man who woke up old all of a sudden much like the time Superman was turned into a lion and she took him to see Beauty and the Beast. Lois is such a bitch.
* Superman kills Lois and is haunted by her ghost. People make fun of him and call him crazy.
And that's it for this time.
* Criminals buy an island, turn it into a replica of Krypton, advertise it, get people to move there . . . all so they can trick Superman into turning a dozen pieces of coal into diamonds. I kept waiting for the guy in charge to go, "Hey, wait a minute, our insanely retarded scheme is making us rich legally, fuck this shit!"
* Superman's now-dead adopted parents use a time machine to visit him. So, Superman takes them to his Fortress of Solitude where he shows off his various cool things like his lava swimming pool, his pet alien dinosaur and his lame robots. All goes well until the Kents find a room "IN MEMORY OF THE PARENTS OF SUPERMAN" and get all jealous until Superman shows them the "IN MEMORY OF THE EARTH PARENTS OF SUPERMAN" room, which has the whole family eating dinner, but Clark in his Superboy costume. Once again, we see that Superman's Fortress of Solitude is really some weird museum that Superman has built for after he dies.
Later in the issue, the Kents are all at Clark's apartment when Lois shows up with a pie. Before she enters, Clark uses his x-ray vision to see that it's her and calls her the girl he may marry someday. Upon her entering, he's glad she's brought a pie so the Kents can judge if she's a good cook, which leads to the following:
Pa Kent: UMMM... DELICIOUS! LOIS WOULD MAKE A FINE WIFE FOR ANY MAN! CLARK, WHY DON'T YOU ASK HER TO MARRY YOU?
Clark (thought balloon): DAD'S GETTING ACROSS THAT THEY APPROVE OF LOIS BEING MY WIFE SOMEDAY!
Two things: 1. Lois is sitting right there, you old bastard! Totally embarrassing. 2. Clark Kent = master of the obvious.
When Clark sees a problem, he tells his dad to help get rid of Lois, so the old guy spills hot coffee on her. After both Lois and Clark leave, we learn that these aren't the Kents, but people dressed as the Kents who figured out that they were Superman's adopted parents by researching the records in Smallville. Yeah, these con artists are better journalists than everyone else on the planet. And then later, they blackmail Superman and he defeats them in a totally lame way.
* Superman gets amnesia and forgets his secret identity. Eventually, he learns that it's Clark Kent after pretending to be a blonde British guy who takes Clark's job while Clark is on vacation. Superman learns of his real secret identity by flying faster than light and using a special lens to see him change on Earth in the past.He then uses the fake British identity to fool Lois into thinking THAT was his secret identity all along. He never actually regains his memory.
* Superman shows up at some pseudo-mystic magician's act and exposes all of his tricks, because he's a dick.
* When Lois uglies herself up to get out of a blind date the same night she has a date with Superman, Superman does the same by pretending his real face is that of Alfred E. Newman, beloved Mad Magazine mascot. Lois is heartbroken and stays with him, but can only become sexually aroused by imaging Superman is still good looking. Weird irony: uglied-up Lois is hotter than regular Lois. She's got cool messed up hair, glasses and a wacky dress. Totally alternative chic.
* Superman discovers an uncharted island off the coast of Metropolis where evil people have been enslaving sailors to work on some secret "Project X." Instead of just saving all of these innocents from horrible slavery, Superman goes undercover as Clark Kent and gets taken prisoner. But, OH NOES(!), Jimmy snuck aboard Clark's ship and is emprisoned as well. The rest of the issue has Jimmy and the other slaves get fucked over by Superman again and again. Clark makes his iron ball and chain light as a feather: no more food for anyone. Jimmy figures out a way to escape is basically free, but that could mean fucking up Superman's lame plan, so he makes sure Jimmy gets caught and sentenced to death. After Superman saves Jimmy from being shot, the villains stick him in a rocket (which is Project X) and when it fails to launch, Superman throws it into space. All so he could fuck it up and convince the bad guys their plan was shit to begin with.
So, instead of just stopping the bad guys, he let's people work hard labour, starve, think they're going to die and get shot into space. Superman is such a dick.
There's also the part of the issue where Superman calls his costume indestructable, but then manages to pull various threads from it. The fuck?
* Clark Kent gets blown up, so Superman let's everyone think he's dead. Because Lois is so heartbroken, he takes her to dinner. He then moves in with Jimmy Olsen, which causes all sorts of problem when people realise that Superman lives there. Days later, Lois is still mourning Clark, but all Superman can think about is "Oh no, people want me to do stuff! Wah-wah-wah!" He eventually tricks everyone into thinking Clark somehow survived because he's learned the value of having a secret identity.
* Some random dude is upset because it's some weird day at his son's school where dad's wear costumes that they wore while performing a heroic deed and he's done nothing--so he decides to pretend he's Superman. His wife convinces him that his son will eventually learn the truth and it will fuck him up for life, but before he can get out of the costume, trouble errupts . . . RIGHT OUTSIDE HIS HOUSE! There's a giant robot carrying a stick of dynamite and it yells:
"RUN, EVERYONE! I... THROW... DYNAMITE!"
Coolest robot ever. So, the bad guys take Clark Kent as a hostage and think this idiot is Superman. They want him to help them find some loot their dead boss hid in a museum. Cue various scenes of Clark secretly helping this guy pretend he's Superman and the day is eventually saved with the guy's son all impressed because his dad saved the day WITHOUT superpowers, which is totally cooler than Superman.
* So, there's an ape called Toot that's shot into space, hit with radiation and when it comes back, immediately becomes giant and shoots Kryptonite radiation from its eyes. Lois renames it Titano after it gropes her.
* Lex Luthor turns all of the lead in the world into glass. This fact is promptly ignored in future stories.
* Clark goes on a talk show where the host brings forth huge amounts of evidence that Clark Kent is Superman and Clark lies over and over again, even while hooked up to a lie detector. Lois is upset that this guy may prove Clark is Superman, something she's failed to prove for years.
* Men from the year 2000 (named Vard and Boka) show up and accuse Superman of being a criminal. Naturally, everyone believes them. They capture Superman, take him to the future and then reveal that in the future, all of the oceans have dried up, but they have a plan: Superman will take two of Saturn's moon, which are made of "frozen snow" and use them to bring water back to Earth. For billions of dollars!
When Superman saves the day and returns to his time, Lois doesn't "KNOW WHETHER OR BE GLAD OR ANGRY TO SEE YOU BACK SO SOON!" because she and Perry were just about to listen to a tape Superman left them in case he was taken to the future and it has all of his secrets. After she says this, Superman has that "I will fucking hit you, bitch" look on his face and tells her she better be glad he's back.
* Clark is turned into an old man for three days. During this time, he pretends to be the Old Man of the Sea and Father Time to avoid exposing his secret identity. When returned to normal, Lois takes him to see the musical version of Rip Van Winkle, the story of a man who woke up old all of a sudden much like the time Superman was turned into a lion and she took him to see Beauty and the Beast. Lois is such a bitch.
* Superman kills Lois and is haunted by her ghost. People make fun of him and call him crazy.
And that's it for this time.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Showcase Presents Superman Vol. 1 (Part 2)
Continuing the trip through Silver Age (although, is 1958-59 Silver Age?) goodness. I've read the first 176 pages. Here are some highlights:
* People from the 50th century control Superman in an effort to have him gather various artifacts from around the solar system for a time capsule that won't be opened until then. The places where he gets them from spell out SUPERMAN. Except Superman can't tell anyone that the future people did it because he's worried about seeming arrogant--except everyone thinks he was faking and is an arrogant prick anyway.
* When Jimmy imagines Superman as president, Clark Kent is his VP--and then resigns because THERE'S NO POINT IN BEING THE VP TO A PRESIDENT WHO CAN'T GET SHOT. And Superman's plan for eliminating the deficit? Sunken treasure. That's until Jimmy wakes up and Clark's all "HA! Superman's an alien and can't be president, you stupid punk!" But Clark Kent would be--"Not that he'd ever think to, though!"
* Superman had superpowers on Earth because it has lower gravity than Krypton, not the yellow sun.
* In a 3-part story, Jimmy gets an ancient token that grants three wishes every century if its jewel is rubbed under a full moon. His first wish? A Super-Girl for Superman. Take THAT, Lois Lane! Except this Super-Girl just gets in the way and exposes his secret identity. Thus, she must die. And she does. AND NO ONE CARES. Because Superman is so worried about protecting his secret identity that he proposes marriage to her as Clark Kent and she's all "PFT! Clark wouldn't propose to me if he were really Superman!"
* In the second story, the token is stolen and some criminals wish Superman's powers away and he gets Jimmy to help him fake it, including one scene where Jimmy manages to hold up Superman using a long piece of transparent plastic to make it look like he's flying in a parade. Apparently, Jimmy Olsen is one motherfucking strong dude. And they catch the crooks and Superman gets his powers back.
* The third story has Jimmy wish that Superman could meet his real parents, except he wants to surprise Supes, so he just types out the wish. Except he later discovers that there's a typo: he wrote "mate" instead of "meet." Cue the porn music. Sadly, all it means is that Ghost-Superman is sent back to before his parents were married and instead have been arrested for joining a radical political party beant on overthrowing the government. But wait! Jor-El is a secret agent but doesn't have any proof he is and the only person who knows DIED THAT MORNING! So, they get shot off into space and Superman is made real and they fight against the evil guy who ran the political group--and they've all got superpowers since they're no longer under Krypton's gravity. It looks like it will be a stalemate until Superman tricks the evil guy into accidentally making Kryptonite--since apparently, nuclear explosions are Earth science and Kryptonians don't know about that sort of thing being an advanced society in every conceivable way. And then Superman comes back home, having never mated with his parents. Damn token didn't do the job right.
* Superman gets turned into a lion by a descendent of Circe and Lois takes him to go see "Beauty and the Beast" because she's a fucking bitch.
* Superman gets wounded by a magic sword and everyone makes fun of him for being such a pussy.
* When Superman and Lois get stranded on an island that is then surrounded completely by Kryptonite particles, he shrugs and goes "Ah, what the fuck, if I'm going to be here for a few years, I may as well get me some" and asks Lois to marry him. But, right after he reveals his secret identity and sets up the marriage with the chief of the local tribe, there's an earthquake or something that gets rid of the Kryptonite, so he makes it look like Clark Kent tricked her into agreeing to marry him and then chickened out. And then Lois filled in all of the holes in THAT logic because she's so crazy over Superman, it never occurred to her that he's a lying bastard.
* Some alien crash in the ocean and plan to take over the world by killing everyone since they can only breathe under waster, so Superman stays with them, pretending to be in love with the woman alien. Everyone on the surface gets worried, so they try to capture Superman and, at one point, Superman evades capture by letting out crude oil from a sunken tanker to block their view. The moral of the story? SUPERMAN HATES SEALS.
* A "renegade scientist" (coolest job ever) escapes from the Bottle City of Whatever after Lois cracks the bottle and uses Superman's electronic plastic surgeon to make himself look like Superman. So, Lois quizzes the two Supermen on something and when one answers wrong, she shrinks him and put him in the bottle--except the real Superman is the one that answered wrong--ON PURPOSE. See, he wanted to avoid a fight, but then realises once in the bottle that he doesn't know how to get out. But, no worries because the fake Superman does everything the real Superman would do because he likes the fame and adoration of everyone--and this way, he can bang Lois. Except after they're married, Lois wants to know his secret identity finally AND HE DOESN'T KNOW! But, no worries because the real Superman has escaped and the fake one tries to escape by dressing up in regular clothes and glasses and Superman catches him right away because he looks just like Clark Kent. It ends with no one going "Hey, wait, if Superman knew that was the fake and he looked just like Clark Kent, that means--" Seriously, Lois Lane is the shittiest gal reporter ever.
* That story ends with the best panel ever.
LOIS (while ripping up her marriage license): (SIGH!) I WAS MARRIED TO SUPERMAN FOR A WHILE...BUT THE WRONG ONE! THE COURTS, OF COURSE, ANNULLED THE MARRIAGE! OH, CLARK, WILL THE RIGHT SUPERMAN EVER PROPOSE TO ME?
CLARK (with a total "you're a dumb bitch, you know that?" look on his face): ER...HOW WOULD I KNOW, LOIS?
Owned.
* Lois has a dream after she mistakenly thinks she's getting a blood transfusion from Superman where she has superpowers and instead of dreaming of team-ups and marriage with Superman, she dreams that Clark gets injured and she gives him superpowers through a blood transfusion. Clark then proceeds to be a shitty superhero and she nags him throughout for being such an idiot. See, she claims to love Superman, but this dream clearly proves she really wants to marry Clark and boss him around since she's a strong woman and doesn't really want to be subordinate to Superman. Strangely feminist story, in a way.
* Clark Kent once beat a lie detector test in college when asked if he was Superboy because it was then that he began thinking of himself as Superman. LYING BASTARD.
* The last story I read was the one where Superman can make a tiny Superman-like creature shoot out of his hands and do his bidding. Except, he then gets jealous of it until it dies saving him from Kryptonite. Grant Morrison mentioned this story once or twice in interviews for All-Star Superman as some sort of genius story. All I learned is that when criminals see miniature versions of Superman, they're so freaked out that they immediately give up. That's really weird.
To be continued . . .
* People from the 50th century control Superman in an effort to have him gather various artifacts from around the solar system for a time capsule that won't be opened until then. The places where he gets them from spell out SUPERMAN. Except Superman can't tell anyone that the future people did it because he's worried about seeming arrogant--except everyone thinks he was faking and is an arrogant prick anyway.
* When Jimmy imagines Superman as president, Clark Kent is his VP--and then resigns because THERE'S NO POINT IN BEING THE VP TO A PRESIDENT WHO CAN'T GET SHOT. And Superman's plan for eliminating the deficit? Sunken treasure. That's until Jimmy wakes up and Clark's all "HA! Superman's an alien and can't be president, you stupid punk!" But Clark Kent would be--"Not that he'd ever think to, though!"
* Superman had superpowers on Earth because it has lower gravity than Krypton, not the yellow sun.
* In a 3-part story, Jimmy gets an ancient token that grants three wishes every century if its jewel is rubbed under a full moon. His first wish? A Super-Girl for Superman. Take THAT, Lois Lane! Except this Super-Girl just gets in the way and exposes his secret identity. Thus, she must die. And she does. AND NO ONE CARES. Because Superman is so worried about protecting his secret identity that he proposes marriage to her as Clark Kent and she's all "PFT! Clark wouldn't propose to me if he were really Superman!"
* In the second story, the token is stolen and some criminals wish Superman's powers away and he gets Jimmy to help him fake it, including one scene where Jimmy manages to hold up Superman using a long piece of transparent plastic to make it look like he's flying in a parade. Apparently, Jimmy Olsen is one motherfucking strong dude. And they catch the crooks and Superman gets his powers back.
* The third story has Jimmy wish that Superman could meet his real parents, except he wants to surprise Supes, so he just types out the wish. Except he later discovers that there's a typo: he wrote "mate" instead of "meet." Cue the porn music. Sadly, all it means is that Ghost-Superman is sent back to before his parents were married and instead have been arrested for joining a radical political party beant on overthrowing the government. But wait! Jor-El is a secret agent but doesn't have any proof he is and the only person who knows DIED THAT MORNING! So, they get shot off into space and Superman is made real and they fight against the evil guy who ran the political group--and they've all got superpowers since they're no longer under Krypton's gravity. It looks like it will be a stalemate until Superman tricks the evil guy into accidentally making Kryptonite--since apparently, nuclear explosions are Earth science and Kryptonians don't know about that sort of thing being an advanced society in every conceivable way. And then Superman comes back home, having never mated with his parents. Damn token didn't do the job right.
* Superman gets turned into a lion by a descendent of Circe and Lois takes him to go see "Beauty and the Beast" because she's a fucking bitch.
* Superman gets wounded by a magic sword and everyone makes fun of him for being such a pussy.
* When Superman and Lois get stranded on an island that is then surrounded completely by Kryptonite particles, he shrugs and goes "Ah, what the fuck, if I'm going to be here for a few years, I may as well get me some" and asks Lois to marry him. But, right after he reveals his secret identity and sets up the marriage with the chief of the local tribe, there's an earthquake or something that gets rid of the Kryptonite, so he makes it look like Clark Kent tricked her into agreeing to marry him and then chickened out. And then Lois filled in all of the holes in THAT logic because she's so crazy over Superman, it never occurred to her that he's a lying bastard.
* Some alien crash in the ocean and plan to take over the world by killing everyone since they can only breathe under waster, so Superman stays with them, pretending to be in love with the woman alien. Everyone on the surface gets worried, so they try to capture Superman and, at one point, Superman evades capture by letting out crude oil from a sunken tanker to block their view. The moral of the story? SUPERMAN HATES SEALS.
* A "renegade scientist" (coolest job ever) escapes from the Bottle City of Whatever after Lois cracks the bottle and uses Superman's electronic plastic surgeon to make himself look like Superman. So, Lois quizzes the two Supermen on something and when one answers wrong, she shrinks him and put him in the bottle--except the real Superman is the one that answered wrong--ON PURPOSE. See, he wanted to avoid a fight, but then realises once in the bottle that he doesn't know how to get out. But, no worries because the fake Superman does everything the real Superman would do because he likes the fame and adoration of everyone--and this way, he can bang Lois. Except after they're married, Lois wants to know his secret identity finally AND HE DOESN'T KNOW! But, no worries because the real Superman has escaped and the fake one tries to escape by dressing up in regular clothes and glasses and Superman catches him right away because he looks just like Clark Kent. It ends with no one going "Hey, wait, if Superman knew that was the fake and he looked just like Clark Kent, that means--" Seriously, Lois Lane is the shittiest gal reporter ever.
* That story ends with the best panel ever.
LOIS (while ripping up her marriage license): (SIGH!) I WAS MARRIED TO SUPERMAN FOR A WHILE...BUT THE WRONG ONE! THE COURTS, OF COURSE, ANNULLED THE MARRIAGE! OH, CLARK, WILL THE RIGHT SUPERMAN EVER PROPOSE TO ME?
CLARK (with a total "you're a dumb bitch, you know that?" look on his face): ER...HOW WOULD I KNOW, LOIS?
Owned.
* Lois has a dream after she mistakenly thinks she's getting a blood transfusion from Superman where she has superpowers and instead of dreaming of team-ups and marriage with Superman, she dreams that Clark gets injured and she gives him superpowers through a blood transfusion. Clark then proceeds to be a shitty superhero and she nags him throughout for being such an idiot. See, she claims to love Superman, but this dream clearly proves she really wants to marry Clark and boss him around since she's a strong woman and doesn't really want to be subordinate to Superman. Strangely feminist story, in a way.
* Clark Kent once beat a lie detector test in college when asked if he was Superboy because it was then that he began thinking of himself as Superman. LYING BASTARD.
* The last story I read was the one where Superman can make a tiny Superman-like creature shoot out of his hands and do his bidding. Except, he then gets jealous of it until it dies saving him from Kryptonite. Grant Morrison mentioned this story once or twice in interviews for All-Star Superman as some sort of genius story. All I learned is that when criminals see miniature versions of Superman, they're so freaked out that they immediately give up. That's really weird.
To be continued . . .
Friday, April 06, 2007
Showcase Presents Superman Vol. 1 (Part One)
I just finished reading the first story in Showcase Presents Superman Volume 1 and, wow, that's some messed up shit.
The cover is to Action Comics #241 and has Superman carrying this giant key to a place called "Fort Superman"--which you know because it's written in the ground right in front of the giant door--claiming that he's the only one who can lift it, but someone has managed to break into his hang-out and he's kind of freaked out. Who can do such a thing? My first thought was that it was 100 men since that's how many men it would take to lift the key according to Supes.
The issue opens with a splash page of Superman sitting in a chair, using his heat vision to write in "MY DIARY." Apparently, Superman is a teenage girl. Like a teenage girl, he taunts any readers by being all "I'm going to do some top secret stuff, so I'm going to write it down--BUT I'M DOING IT IN THE LANGUAGE OF KRYPTON, SO TAKE THAT, MOM!" I'm mostly disturbed by the fact that he doesn't just have a diary, he has a giant diary.
The actual story begins with Clark, Lois and Jimmy out walking around and Lois sees a pearl necklace she wants and Jimmy sees a car he wants and Clark just keeps thinking "Maybe you guys will get those sooner than you think."
So, then he goes off and finds some pearls and goes to his Fortress of Solitude where he has rooms devoted to his friends complete with lifesize statues of them. Seriously, it is really fucking freaky. I'm mostly disturbed by the fact that Jimmy is posed with his hands in his pockets and winking.
In these rooms, Superman is building stuff for his friends. For Lois, that necklace. For Jimmy, that car. For Batman, a computer. BUT the catch is that they don't get any of this stuff until he dies. Wow, Superman is kind of a dick, isn't he? He can do all this, but then says they can't have any of it until he dies, which is god knows when AND it's trapped in his Fortress, which apparently only he can gain access to. What a cocktease.
He also has a room devoted to Clark Kent as well, because he wants to protect his secret identity even after he dies. The fuck?
Anyway, he does his thing and comes back the next day and inside, there's a note telling him that someone's been there and nah-nah-nah-NAH! he'll never guess who. Superman gets all worried and begins suspecting the animals he has caged up in some backroom and then starts having nightmares as more taunting notes show up. He gets so worried that passengers on a cruise ship heckle him for not carrying their damaged boat back to shore smoothly enough.
Finally, he discovers that the person who's been fucking with him is Batman, except Superman accidentally causes a cave in while carrying around some Kryptonite. Batman pops out and Superman is all "I trusted you and you've killed me, asshole!" So, Batman taunts the dying Superman by telling him step-by-step how he's been fucking with Superman.
And then Superman stands up, breaks them free because he was just faking. Take THAT, "World's Greatest Detective"!
When Superman asks why Batman was such an asshole, Batman reveals that it's because it's the anniversary of Superman arriving on Earth and Batman wanted to give him a puzzle to solve. And then they have a giant cake with candles featuring Superman and Clark Kent's heads set on fire.
What I learned from this story is that Batman and Superman NEVER liked each other, but hung out together because they felt they should. Batman is a detective, so he lords it over Superman and Superman has super-strength, which he then lords over Batman with the threat of death. They're both petty and jealous and like to fuck with each other's heads.
Oh, and there's a classic panel of Batman out shopping for a present for Superman. The guy is an insanely wealthy guy with a butler, but he still dresses up and GOES TO THE FUCKING MALL. There's a comic I want to read. "Batman Goes To The Mall." Every month, Batman goes shopping and we follow him from store to store. In the first issue, mall security hassles him. Brilliant. Put Grant Morrison on it, he loves these insanely retarded ideas from the Silver Age. But, then again, he did a lot of drugs, so we can't really blame him for thinking this stuff is good.
The cover is to Action Comics #241 and has Superman carrying this giant key to a place called "Fort Superman"--which you know because it's written in the ground right in front of the giant door--claiming that he's the only one who can lift it, but someone has managed to break into his hang-out and he's kind of freaked out. Who can do such a thing? My first thought was that it was 100 men since that's how many men it would take to lift the key according to Supes.
The issue opens with a splash page of Superman sitting in a chair, using his heat vision to write in "MY DIARY." Apparently, Superman is a teenage girl. Like a teenage girl, he taunts any readers by being all "I'm going to do some top secret stuff, so I'm going to write it down--BUT I'M DOING IT IN THE LANGUAGE OF KRYPTON, SO TAKE THAT, MOM!" I'm mostly disturbed by the fact that he doesn't just have a diary, he has a giant diary.
The actual story begins with Clark, Lois and Jimmy out walking around and Lois sees a pearl necklace she wants and Jimmy sees a car he wants and Clark just keeps thinking "Maybe you guys will get those sooner than you think."
So, then he goes off and finds some pearls and goes to his Fortress of Solitude where he has rooms devoted to his friends complete with lifesize statues of them. Seriously, it is really fucking freaky. I'm mostly disturbed by the fact that Jimmy is posed with his hands in his pockets and winking.
In these rooms, Superman is building stuff for his friends. For Lois, that necklace. For Jimmy, that car. For Batman, a computer. BUT the catch is that they don't get any of this stuff until he dies. Wow, Superman is kind of a dick, isn't he? He can do all this, but then says they can't have any of it until he dies, which is god knows when AND it's trapped in his Fortress, which apparently only he can gain access to. What a cocktease.
He also has a room devoted to Clark Kent as well, because he wants to protect his secret identity even after he dies. The fuck?
Anyway, he does his thing and comes back the next day and inside, there's a note telling him that someone's been there and nah-nah-nah-NAH! he'll never guess who. Superman gets all worried and begins suspecting the animals he has caged up in some backroom and then starts having nightmares as more taunting notes show up. He gets so worried that passengers on a cruise ship heckle him for not carrying their damaged boat back to shore smoothly enough.
Finally, he discovers that the person who's been fucking with him is Batman, except Superman accidentally causes a cave in while carrying around some Kryptonite. Batman pops out and Superman is all "I trusted you and you've killed me, asshole!" So, Batman taunts the dying Superman by telling him step-by-step how he's been fucking with Superman.
And then Superman stands up, breaks them free because he was just faking. Take THAT, "World's Greatest Detective"!
When Superman asks why Batman was such an asshole, Batman reveals that it's because it's the anniversary of Superman arriving on Earth and Batman wanted to give him a puzzle to solve. And then they have a giant cake with candles featuring Superman and Clark Kent's heads set on fire.
What I learned from this story is that Batman and Superman NEVER liked each other, but hung out together because they felt they should. Batman is a detective, so he lords it over Superman and Superman has super-strength, which he then lords over Batman with the threat of death. They're both petty and jealous and like to fuck with each other's heads.
Oh, and there's a classic panel of Batman out shopping for a present for Superman. The guy is an insanely wealthy guy with a butler, but he still dresses up and GOES TO THE FUCKING MALL. There's a comic I want to read. "Batman Goes To The Mall." Every month, Batman goes shopping and we follow him from store to store. In the first issue, mall security hassles him. Brilliant. Put Grant Morrison on it, he loves these insanely retarded ideas from the Silver Age. But, then again, he did a lot of drugs, so we can't really blame him for thinking this stuff is good.
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