Punting It: Invincible Iron Man #505

I was supposed to review Invincible Iron Man #505 and even bought it for the expressed purpose of reviewing it. I didn't review it. This isn't the first time that's happened. I (and many of my fellow reviewers) have punted books because, when it came time to review them, there was nothing to say. But, I'm not sure that's actually the case with Invincible Iron Man #505; I'm more convinced that anything I have to say wouldn't really work in a CBR review.

That immediately raises the concept of what a 'CBR review' entails and, maybe, I've limited myself in that regard. That's definitely possible, I admit, but I do think there is a 'type' of review you write for that site, and most other 'mainstream' places. It's almost like a broad overview of the comic with a few specific examples whereas, here, I'm more inclined to focus in on a couple of specific points and ignore the broad view. I'm sure that approach could work on a place like CBR -- and I've probably done it and just don't remember when.

More than that, I have little opinion on most of this comic. It's a dumb action comic that tries to horrify us and seem big, but never does. Part of that problem with that is that, in destroying Paris by transforming almost everyone into statues by the Worthy-fied Grey Gargoyle's new Medusavision seems cheap to me. I doubt it will mean anything besides giving Tony Stark a reason to freak out. Will the consequences of the population of the capital of France being slaughtered be addressed in the future? I'd bet ten bucks on 'not fucking likely.' And, if it's not, why should I care? These dead people are props and nothing more. Hey, maybe I'm weird, but I tend not to care about props. You may as well have Iron Man and the Grey Gargoyle destroy cars and buildings like they usually would, because the people of Paris matter just as much as property in Marvel New York City. Hell, probably less. Avengers Tower getting destroyed will almost certainly have more follow-up than the dead city of Paris. It's had more build-up and emotion invested into it and will have more invested in it in the future, and isn't that what causes an emotional connection? The build-up and the payoff? That these are meant to be 'people' doesn't matter; they're just drawings on the page (and not particularly good-looking ones). They're not really people and no work has been put into it to make me think of them as such beyond Tony Stark kind of crying and vomitting all over their statue corpses. Is that a metaphor or symbol or something, folks?

The only other thing that stood out in this comic was that final panel that I haven't seen discussed online (I haven't sought out discussion on this comic or anything; I'm talking about discussion by the folks in my little circle of folks who talk about comics... though I may have missed it since I'm not on Twitter 24/7). The comic ends with Tony flying away, apparently to fix his armour and check in with his fellow heroes, except he took the bottle of whiskey that was sent to him by Hammer Industries as a big "Fuck you, you addict fuck!" gift. I've wondered when Stark would finally fall off the wagon, wondering if it would ever plausibly happen after the giant string of fuck-ups he had starting with Civil War. By the end of Secret Invasion (which, if you follow the Bendis timeline, took place all of a month after Civil War... AT MOST), he'd fallen so low that you kind of expected the story to be "Iron Man: The Drunken End" where he gets shitfaced for six issues until he's arrested and shot in the head by Norman Osbourn. Except, he didn't drink. That led to Tim putting forth the theory that maybe they'd wait until things are going so well for Stark that he decides that he's on the top of the world and can handle drinking. His ego would be his cause to begin drinking again. This issue seems to point to him heading back into the bottle because Paris was killed. Now, he hasn't actually drank yet and this could be a big tease by Fraction that leads to a scene where Stark takes the bottle to Paris, throws it at the Grey Gargoyle and makes some dumbass speech about how he's too strong to let the bastards get him down. That seems oddly likely. Personally, I'd rather see him just make a brief stop by wherever Steve Rogers is, tell him that it's on him and that they won't have Tony Stark to kick around anymore, because he's going to go drink himself to death on some island somewhere. Okay, not really, but that would be entertaining.

I'm wondering if Stark crawling back into the bottle is the lasting consequence of Paris. Is that how those deaths are made to 'matter?' Is that enough? Not really, because they're still just props then.

I will say this: I'm tempted to pick up the next issue to see if Tony pops that seal and says "Fuck it" to the rest of the world.

Non-CBR Review: Captain America: Who Won't Wield the Shield #1

[I reviewed Captain America: Who Won't Wield the Shield #1 for CBR this week, but the review published wasn't the first review I wrote. I wrote another one inspired by the nature of the book, treating the whole thing as a joke somewhat. Sadly, it couldn't be used -- for reasons that should be obvious. Not sure how funny this 'review' is, but figured I'd stick it up anyway. Enjoy.]

Title: Captain America: Who Won’t Wield the Shield #1
Story by: Jason Aaron, Matt Fraction, Stuart Moore
Art by: Mirco Pierfederici, Brendan McCarthy, Joe Quinones
Colors by: Mirco Pierfederici, Brendan McCarthy, Howard Hallis, Javier Rodriquez
Letters by: Todd Klein
Cover by: Gerald Parel
Publisher: Marvel Comics
Cover price: $3.99 (USD)
Release Date: April 21st, 2010
Rating: 5
Blurb: Does anyone read these blurbs? Anyone? Whatever.

Yeah, I didn’t read this book. Didn’t need to. It’s obviously a five-star book and I’ll tell you how I know: a little thing called the ‘positive review bonus’ that’s been added into my next reviewing check from Jonah. You see, a publisher like Marvel Comics understands the importance that a positive review from an Eisner-winning site like Comic Book Resources can have and, sometimes, likes to remind us reviewers that Marvel Comics is, in fact, the best comic book publisher there is (buy Siege!). Captain America: Who Won’t Wield the Shield #1 being one of their brilliant books and written by exceptional talents like Jason Aaron (buy Wolverine: Weapon X, Punishermax, and Astonishing Spider-Man/Wolverine!), Matt Fraction (buy Uncanny X-Men, Invincible Iron Man, and Thor!), and Stuart Moore (buy Cloak and Dagger!), they would be remiss if they didn’t do everything in their power to push it. After all, a positive CBR review can be the difference between angry retailers demanding that Marvel take back the stacks of unsold copies cluttering up shops and that oh-so-coveted fifteenth printing.

So, I didn’t read it, because no one said I had to. Besides, all anyone cares about is the star rating. Five stars. Boom. Done. Easiest twenty bucks I ever made.

But, apparently, to save face, these reviews need to be a few hundred words more. Since I’ve got nothing left to say, I’ll just let my editor, Augie De Blieck fill in the rest. Augie?

Thanks, Chad! Hi, boys and girls, this is Augie De Blieck of Pipeline Commentary and the Pipeline Podcast, both of which are available here at Comic Book Resources. Like Chad, I didn’t have a chance to read this comic, because of work and family obligations, but, from what I’ve seen of the preview pages, I would have had to fire Chad if he didn’t give this book at least five stars. Captain America: Who Won’t Wield the Shield #1 is just that fantastic a comic. I hope to read it someday when I finally get an iPad since I’ve given up reading actual paper comics in favor of the sleek, sexy, efficient iPad. I don’t have one yet, but I hope to get one soon and, then, I can get back to reading all of the comics I somehow enjoyed when they were only available in ink and paper.

After all, can ink and paper truly provide the high resolution and picture quality of an iPad? Don’t you owe it to yourself to only view the stunning art of Mirco Pierfederici, Brendan McCarthy, and Joe Quinones on an Apple device that shows them in the best possible manner? Paper comics are so antiquated and bulky. As you can read in next week’s Pipeline Commentary, I did a comparative study between comic book shops and iPads where I determined that iPads are much smaller and compact than brick and mortar comic book shops, proving their efficiency and that we must do away with comic shops immediately. Digital is the future, my friends!

Also, don’t forget to check out the Pipeline Podcast where I’ll be running down this week’s releases from the best publisher in comics, Marvel Comics, who happen to have an app for the iPad that I can’t wait to try out. Here are some previews of the biggest books of the week that I’ll be discussing on my podcast: Sif #1, Ultimate Comics Avengers #6, Siege: Spider-Man #1, X-Men Forever annual #1, Firestar #1, Her-oes #1, and, of course, the number one comic of this week, a five-star book if I ever saw one, Captain America: Who Won’t Wield the Shield #1. You can follow me on Twitter at @augieshoots and my e-mail address is augiedb@comicbooksresources.com. Thanks for reading.